Hello, December

Dec2

It’s December again, a time of year that used to bring more smiles to my face than others. But now not so much. There are three grandchildren that I once again will not see this Christmas. And there is the memory of my mother, gone on December 10th, 2012, but it still feels like yesterday. That ache is still there. That hole is still there. I miss you, mom, but I know you loved me and would want me to get on with my life.

I am also amused, because someone reblogged one of my blog entries about the neurobiological basis of being trans. From there that post got onto Facebook. From Facebook, it seemed to spread pretty quick elsewhere! And because of that, let me say welcome to all the new folks following my blog. Thanks for reading about the thoughts and life events of one woman as she struggles to really find herself.

I went to the TG pot luck this year here in Houston. It was busy, and noisy, thus hard for me to interact with very many people due to my hearing issues. Yet a few made the effort and tried. I appreciated that. It was pleasant and thoughtful of them to do so.

But if I am honest with myself, this December is better than so many prior Decembers in so many ways that it is hard to describe. So I view this month with a kind of joy, tempered by my mother’s memory and three grandchildren who will no longer know me.

And yet I wouldn’t change anything of the last 31 months at this point either. To even be here, living, breathing, and not have wrapped myself around a concrete abutment at 130 mph as I once planned makes me smile. My spiritual sisters make me smile, and laugh! Being pushed out of my comfort zone by those who love me, and who seem to know just how hard to push or not push makes me happy.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could snap my fingers and be done with this, be finished with all the medical aspects of transitioning and then just live my life. I’m even developing plans for what to do after I’m done transitioning! But the process itself is bringing me precious beautiful memories, moments that brought me to joyful tears, and knowledge that I am loved and accepted. When I stop and realize that, the trials of transitioning turn out to have hidden rewards of their own. I’m following the yellow brick road, and while I wish I could click my heels three times and be done, it’s actually turning out to be better for me to walk that road first.

To each of you I wish Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Yule, Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever other holiday wish is appropriate to you and yours this month. I pray that 2014 was kind to each of you and that 2015 will bring each of you blessings in abundance.

Thanksgiving 2014

Nov26

thankfulnessOn this day before Thanksgiving, 2014, I sometimes think of what I’ve lost by being true to myself. But then I think of what I have gained and what I am truly thankful for.

I am thankful for my daughter, her wisdom, her patience, her understanding, and her empathy.

I am thankful for her husband, his acceptance, and his support.

I am thankful for my granddaughter’s acceptance.

I am thankful for dear friends, my spiritual sisters, who have lifted me up, praised me, and helped me see myself positively.

I am thankful for all my other friends who have been supportive and understanding and accepting, who have laughed with me at my new experiences, and who have welcomed me into their world wholly and with smiles.

I am thankful for an employer who has been supportive and accepting of me, and co-workers who have been the same.

I am thankful for my siblings, who support me as I find myself.

I am thankful for all the changes I am undergoing and experiencing, and the liberation these bring. I am thankful that I possess the economic means to pursue the remaining changes I seek for myself.

Today, and tomorrow, I shall be thankful. On my own, I’ve accomplished much, but with the support of friends and family, I believe I can accomplish anything.

And so can you.

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2014 – The Day After

Nov21

TDOR-2014And… not a word from the official Republican side of the aisle. The number of Republicans speaking about TDOR was small – like an aide to Christie Whitman read a letter from her at a TDOR event.

I tire of hearing that there are “good people” in the GOP. Where are they? Why do almost none speak out even on TDOR? Why do they remain silent in the face of blatant hateful bigotry that celebrates our deaths?

The Republican Party is a moral monstrosity. A hate machine dedicated to subjugation and demeaning of human beings who do not fit their white Republican Protestant middle class ideals. Blacks know this, Hispanics know this, Asian-Americans know this, gays and lesbians know this, and transgender people ought to know this though it seems a few of my brothers and sisters have their heads buried deeply in the sands.

Todd Kincannon, former executive director of the South Carolina Republican Party, says “There are people who respect transgender rights. And there are people who think you should all be put in a camp. That’s me.”

Where were the Republicans when that statement was made by a former high ranking GOP official? They were silently applauding in the background and promising to gut ENDA if any transgender protections were included. That’s where they were.

Meanwhile, in the past we’ve had statements like this from Republicans in Iowa on 2010 when the governor recognized TDOR that year:

IFPC Action President Chuck Hurley commented on the Governor’s proclamation by saying, “Governor Culver not only failed to keep his promise to the people of Iowa concerning the defense of marriage, but now is using the power of his office and the dignity of the state of Iowa to promote sexual confusion and deviant behavior.”

Hurley added, “Iowans know that Governor Culver does not share their values. As if the Governor’s unwillingness to exercise the influence of his office in the defense of marriage wasn’t evidence enough, we now know that he is spending his time creating special days celebrating sexual disorientation. The question that Iowans ought to be asking is why Governor Culver wasn’t proud enough of his work to make his actions public?”

So if you tell me again that there are “good” Republicans in office out there, I’d like to ask you to point them out to me. And if you do, you will find that their numbers are astonishingly small.

I leave you with this thought on the day after TDOR:

“The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.” — MLK, Jr.

The silence of the GOP shines with a bright heat and I know from whence that heat comes.

I Had A Wonderful Ren Fest

Nov18

For the weekend of November 7-10 (Friday through Monday), a large number of friends came into town for the Texas Renaissance Festival. It’s always good to see these particular faces and this time was no different, though seeing me may have been a little different for all concerned.

We had another great dinner Friday evening at Vero’s Italian Kitchen. Saturday at the Fest was interesting, as it always is, and led to all sorts of fun discussions among us. Saturday evening we all got together at Willie’s Hamburger place. My only real regret that evening was a friend who had wanted to come this year had passed away a few months previously and was no longer among us.

We did, however, discuss all manner of things, as we seemingly always do and just about nothing was off limits, including my own recent eye opening experiences, at which the other women present said “Welcome to the sisterhood” and “Now you see what it’s really like!” Let me assure anyone who doubts in the least, at all, there very definitely is such a thing as male privilege and I’m experiencing not having it anymore at all and it’s both amusing and annoying. And further, too many men in our culture do treat women as sexual objects instead of people. Believe me, I’m seeing that too, up close and personal.

I also am having trouble getting my head around men either coming on to me or men just looking at me in a clearly sexual manner. It comes with the territory, I know. And intellectually, I was ready for this and even had experienced it in limited ways in the past. But now, since I’d gone full time back in September, it was actually getting common. I understand the annoyance of that woman in the video that went viral and believe me, being a lot older, I don’t look near as pretty as she does, but those comments, leers, whistles, and other things are definitely out there. One fellow at the Ren Fest even looked me in the eye before giving me the “appraisal” look from head to toe, even while he was holding his wife’s hand as she had their baby on her shoulder. I just shook my head at that.

Part of the problem is also realizing what my friends keep telling me – I look very good for an older woman. Now I don’t have a full length mirror at home but there was one at the hotel and seeing myself in that and ready for the day’s activities at Ren Fest, I realized my friends were telling me the truth. I have a pretty nice figure. Of course, it’s one thing to hear certain words intellectually. It’s another thing to really feel them in your heart.

And Monday was some obligatory thrift shop hopping, this time mostly at the Salvation Army store in the next town over from where I live. We discovered that me being over 50 meant half off every Monday on everything for the 50+ crowd and there was also a half off Saturday for everyone in case I wanted to return for that. I’m planning to take my daughter with me there and perhaps a few other people as well. It should be fun.

Work continues to go very smoothly. I work for an awesome company and I appreciate that very much. They’ve made this process easier than I ever expected it to be. I am completely accepted at work and thoroughly supported on any issues I have had thus far.

There are other things I considered writing about here but I’ve abstained because there is someone who stalks me through this blog. I’ll just let her wonder at my early and unexpected Christmas gift. 🙂

Send Your Name To Mars!

Oct22

Up until now, I’ve been semi-anonymous here on my blog, but today you’ll see my name. And the reason for that is that NASA is allowing our names to fly on the various missions preparing to go to Mars.

cara-mars-boarding-pass

 

You can send your name on missions to Mars by visiting this NASA link!

I think this is pretty cool! I’ll never get to set foot in space, despite that being one of my biggest wishes since I was a child, but my name can go with the astronauts who will be leaving earth. And that small thing, just knowing my name will go out there, makes me smile.

Submit your name too!