Facing the end of all things, suddenly compromise is in the air.

Aug5

My spouse suddenly has been willing to discuss compromise. In the end, I’d be making the larger sacrifice by foregoing hormones and eventually surgery but I’d still get to express myself as Liz and go out in public (but without her) as Liz. At least that was the discussion yesterday.

Today she wants more from me. Not to go out in public except to my transgender meetings. Not to meet with other people and build friendships as Liz. I told her that was not acceptable and I could not do that. I reaffirmed my love for her and that my preference would be to spend the rest of my life with her but if there is no place for Liz in this life then my male self can’t be here either.

I’m wondering if talk of compromise is real or just a test to see how much she can get me to give to her position. So far she’s given little ground from her “my way or the highway” position and I’m beginning to wonder if this is just a negotiating position for her. However, she did say she finally “gets it” that just dressing en femme is not enough and that I need to allow the female aspect of me a chance to express herself. If she truly understands that then she also has to understand that to disallow that strikes at the very core of who I am.

Yesterday I was optimistic that we could find a compromise acceptable to both of us even if I was the one yielding the most to make it happen. Today I am lots less optimistic. Plus she’s flying home in a few days to talk to her parents. In a move I’ve never seen her do before, she bought only a one way ticket. I’m left wondering whether I’m being told the truth or not.

The Pain of Accepting Oneself

Aug4

My spouse and I have reached a point where we realize we can’t be together going forward. I need to be honest with myself and true to myself. Not only has my own therapist said this but now my spouse’s therapist said this as well. Both of them have spent time with us and concluded that we’re fooling ourselves if we believe the other person is going to change in a way to make the other happy.

So that’s it. Thirty five years of marriage, three kids, and four grandchildren and we’re done. Worse, the kids are angry towards me and vindictive so I’m not going to be allowed to see my grandchildren either.

My decision to be honest, to be true to myself, now means that people to whom I’ve given thirty five years of my life now despise me. To have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, til death do us part does not mean what it says. It’s poetic license and sad poetic license at that.

My children are coming over this weekend to confront me, to question me, and to try to put me on the spot. But I am going to hold to the words that my spouse’s therapist told me – be true to yourself and don’t let others coerce you.

I hope this doesn’t turn ugly.

AMA Facts and Data on Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Jul28

Here is a link to an American Medical Association presentation from January 2011 that provides incredible statistical and biological data that demonstrates that gender identity and sexual orientation are very largely formed from nature, not nurture, and that further, attempts to change either of the above are highly likely to fail.

The presentation is about an hour long. It’s filled with the latest data on hormones, biology, fetal development, and brain structure. It provides an excellent theoretical basis that explains why homosexuals are as they are, as well as why transsexuals are as they are.

People who deliberately ignore this sort of data are the equivalent of the Catholic Church attacking Galileo. Myth and superstition have no place superseding science on matters so critical to human physical and mental health.

Still out of the loop

Jul22

A week and a half later and I am still out of the loop. Neither of my boys is really talking to me at all. My wife relays occasional things, such as their desire to meet with my gender therapist and ask questions but they don’t come to me personally.

Other things have happened as well that concern me. One day my wife is talking about saving our marriage and the next she is talking about finding legal mediation about how we will split up “just in case”. I ask her to talk to me and she doesn’t want to discuss these issues without a therapist present, yet she drills me to speak up whenever she thinks I’m holding something back. It’s very confusing.

The one thing I’ve accomplished that was wholly unintended is that the entire rest of my family has returned to church, ostensibly to pray for me despite me telling them that I still feel secure in my personal walk with God.

My wife went to another gathering at my son’s house last night. She saw that I was disturbed about this and quipped “You never played board games with them before so why the glum face?” I was taken aback by this because in the past I would go over there for dinner, to chat, and then possibly leave earlier when people began playing cards or board game. I don’t play those sorts of games because, with my degree of hearing loss, I can never follow what’s going on what with all the shouting and multiple people speaking concurrently. The difference now is that I am totally not welcome. It’s not a matter of going for part or all of the activities or politely declining. It’s a matter of actively being not wanted in a particular space.

And yet there is nothing else that I can do other than give them time, just like I am giving my brother time, as I wrote to him yesterday as well. The issue is getting “out there” but it’s been rough going so far. I am just blessed to have at least a few close friends who are not judgmental. I will hold to that and hope for the best.

Note: As a followup to this, my brother replied, is surprised of course, but completely accepting of me. I needed this today. And he’s confident my other siblings will understand as well. I can’t describe how good that made me feel.

Six Days Later

Jul19

It’s now been almost a week since I came out to my adult children. My grandchildren are now apparently no longer considered safe around me and I’ve been cut off from them. My daughter sends me messages but the boys have been nearly silent. My eldest did call and ask about seeing a movie this coming weekend but that was it, no chatter, no talk. It feels like he is going through the motions. My younger son called for his mother and when I answered the phone there was a notable pause before he spoke again, asking if she were there. When I said no and asked if I could pass on a message, he indicated not. I then said I would tell her he called and at that point he hung up.

Today twice I went to enter my own bedroom and was chased out by my wife. The first time she was writing, keeping a journal that I apparently wasn’t supposed to know about. The second time she was on the phone with someone and gave me the nastiest look I can ever recall getting from her in all our years together. She keeps saying that no one is talking behind my back or plotting against me and I want to believe that but this isolation is wearing thin and her own actions now make me question things. What needs to be hidden from me so completely?

I’m beginning to think that I’m eventually going to have to consider moving out on my own or go crazy from the latent hostility and isolation from those I was closest to before this. The funny thing is that I am still the same person I was before I revealed my innermost self to them, yet that revelation has completely altered all our relationships and I am not the one that has changed. I’ve not begun hormones yet, nor extensively altered my physical appearance, yet just telling them the truth has caused them to harden their hearts towards me.

I’m left disappointed in ways that surprise me. Transgenders are often told that the worst discrimination comes from immediate family. It certainly seems true in this case.