Acting on Being Unashamed

Dec7

Yesterday was a bit unusual for me. You see, I often have my GT appointments on Thursday afternoons but my electrolysis session is Saturday morning, meaning Wednesday is the last day I can shave. And yesterday was a GT appointment but I didn’t feel like changing into guy clothes. For clarification, I work about 90% from home and at home I dress in about 90% female clothing. Most everything I wear is female except I own a large number of guy’s T-shirts (some of which could be considered women’s T-shirts too but that’s subjective).

So as the time came to leave for my appointment, I decided to just run with it, totally genderqueer, and see what happened. Out the door I went wearing female tennis shoes, jeans, panties (obviously not visible), a probably gender neutral T-shirt, a woman’s cream colored sweater, a black cap that is pretty feminine, and carrying my purse. Now note that I was definitely not passing as female while doing this. I got a few looks on the highway but at those speeds I’m not sure what someone was thinking.

When I arrived at my GT’s office building, I simply got out, locked the car, and walked to the elevator. I got one totally curious look from one man and a few glances from a couple women, but not specific comments. My GT commented positively about what I was wearing and I explained my mindset on that to which she said that she liked how I was handling this. I told her I simply decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of myself generally, though I still go out of my way to present all male at work (for obvious reasons) on those few days that I do go into the office. We had a good session and on the way out I got looks from a few women on that floor en route to the elevator and then in the elevator, a woman looked at me and simply said, “You look good!” I grinned ear to ear at her comment, thanked her, and we went our separate ways once the elevator reached the first floor. On the way out of the building an older gentleman in a suit saw me and had a definite “what the…” type moment and expression on his face but again, nothing was said. I very specifically looked him right in the eye and smiled. He smiled back weakly and then went on his way.

Getting home this reinforced wise words that I’ve read at Laura’s Playground over and over – most of our fears come from within. Yes, there’s a risk someone might get physically violent but since I’m not entering spaces where that is likely, I think the chances of that are low. Otherwise what’s the worst that can happen? Someone points at you? Turn and look them right in the eye and smile. I’ll bet they either fade into the crowd or change their tune and approach you in a more honest and friendly manner.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are!

I Choose to Be Thankful

Nov20

Thanksgiving approaches, and exactly as I expected, my eldest son invited my spouse but not me to Thanksgiving dinner. I’m supposed to be left out. Unfortunately for him, my daughter already invited me to dinner with her and her family. I almost allowed this situation to focus me on the negatives of my sons but after persistent yet gentle cajoling from the women I would most likely call “sisters” if I could choose them, I’m going to focus on my daughter. They remind me to let the bad go and focus on the good. And I shall.

So today I am thankful for a gracious, loving daughter who wants me to be happy. I am thankful for a daughter who has opened her heart and her arms to me. I am thankful for a daughter who allows me to see her children and to participate in their youth. I am thankful for a daughter who has grown wise beyond her years.

I am thankful for a son-in-law who has been openly accepting of me. I am thankful for a son-in-law who has embraced my daughter’s children and loved them as his own. I am thankful for each day my son-in-law still walks this earth, while we pray that his turn on the heart transplant list will come soon.

I am thankful for a beautiful granddaughter who is now 5 foot 6 inches and still growing. I am thankful for a granddaughter who really believes she could someday be a model. I am thankful for a granddaughter who is funny, smart, and who trusts her mother.

I am thankful for a grandson who is an endless ball of energy. I am thankful for a grandson who enjoys hugs and cuddles. I am thankful for a grandson who makes me laugh. I am thankful for a grandson who shows great joy.

As Thanksgiving Day approaches, I am thankful for a wonderful daughter and the beautiful web of love and kindness that she has woven all around her. Despite everything else, I choose to be thankful, and my daughter is one true reason why.

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

Nov2

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.

A Three Week Update on HRT

Oct16

Today is three weeks since beginning HRT. There are not many changes yet but they are beginning. There is tenderness around the breasts. I’m detecting some shrinkage of the testes. I think my skin feels slightly softer and less oily overall but I’m not certain of those things.

I’ve also had occasions of more intense olfactory sensations, but it’s not consistent. I’m also beginning to wonder if my own scent is changing but again, I’m not certain of that. My fingernails and toenails seem stronger and less flakey but that may also be the biotin at work.

Emotionally, I cry somewhat more readily. I’m not sure I detect any specific changes in thought or thought patterns. I suspect my facial electrolysis is going easier. I know that my recovery from electrolysis seems faster now than previously, especially the cheeks. My cheeks used to take 48-60 hours to recover from an electrolysis session and now it seems to be 24 hours or less with most irritation gone in 4-6 hours. I think my facial hair is growing slower, which means I need to let it grow for a longer time between electrolysis sessions. I can suddenly see the huge advantage of an electrolysis center like E3000 which does your entire face in one sitting then has you return 2-3 months later rather than doing it for just an hour each week.

I’m not sure what other direct hormonal effects I am seeing. I think my left eye generally tends to be moister than it was before though it still can get too dry. I see more vellus hairs on my scalp but that’s no help if they don’t turn into terminal hairs and I am hoping that they do.

In summary, the changes at three weeks are just beginning and are fairly subtle so far. Perhaps I’ll see more at the six week mark.

Thus it begins

Sep25

The last month has been rough but it’s smoothing out. My spouse still occasionally has anger outbursts but she’s slowly adapting to realizing that I am going to do this. And today I began HRT, another milestone on my journey. I don’t feel anything from the hormones (or at least I don’t think I do, yet) but there’s a big psychological relief in starting. One foot is on the road and now I just have to keep putting one foot in front of another.

My spouse also had an anger outburst when we began discussing financial matters. She’s going to have to realize that she’s not going to live in the style she has grown accustomed to over the years. I’m going to support her but I’m not going to impoverish myself on her account. I am going to try to be as fair as I can. I’m not the one who said it’s embarassing to be seen with me. I’m not the one who’s worried about what the neighbors think. She has made her choices and can live with the consequences and I am not going to be guilt tripped into anything.

But the big news today was starting hormones! Yay! Another positive step forward, even if it’s tiny and slow.

Oh, and as a side note, my two sons continue to exclude me from anything family related so I’ve not seen two of my grandchildren in months now. I’ll remember this too.