Thoughts about Veteran’s Day

Nov12

I joined the Army years ago for two reasons. The first was for a job as a newly married 19 year old but the second was because the military was supposed to “make a man” out of me. It didn’t, of course, though I learned many things there. As much as I wish I had transitioned at a younger age, due to my upbringing and due to the culture of the time, I simply was not mentally ready. Joining the army took me to West Germany, a nation that doesn’t even exist anymore (there’s just one Germany now). In Germany I began to question all the things I’d been taught about gender, sexuality, and myself.

The army didn’t break down my walls but it began the process of destroying the mortar of the bigotry that held me in fear. It would take a great deal more to break down those walls but it began with the US Army. And so, in truth, the Army began the process whereby I was eventually able to see the woman within, and am now coming to grips with.

I honestly wish that things had been different, that I had been better informed, less brainwashed, and living in a culture that was more accepting. But I can’t change the past. All I can do is draw lessons from it, live today, and look forward to tomorrow.

One thing to remember though, is that lots of transgender people go the military route. A new study shows that military vets are twice as likely to be transgender as the general population. (The actual report can be found here.) That’s a remarkably high number! And Veterans Affairs has had protocols in place for dealing with transgender veterans, which they continue to develop and refine.

Many of my trans friends are veterans. And very publicly visible, this last year Kristin Beck, who spent 20 years as a Navy SEAL and participated in the raid that got Osama Bin Laden, retired and began her transition.

So while I have a special place in my heart for the military and for veterans generally, there’s another whole place just for transgender veterans. While each of our stories is unique, I wonder how many of us began the process of truly questioning yourself because of your time in the military? That might even be a good book to write someday.

Biological differences in MTFs and cisgender males

Nov9

People continue to misunderstand that there are very real biological differences between the average cisgender male and male-to-female transsexuals. Below is an important image to understand that I extracted from Transgender Chicago: The New Health Frontier.

MTF_Brain_Scan_differences

 

The image above is the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc), in the hypothalamus. Note that heterosexual and homosexual males have nearly identical brain structures in that region. Note that biological females have very different structures in that region from those of the males. And finally note that MTF transsexuals have brain structures that are very close to the female’s and nothing at all like the male’s neurological structures.

There are numerous other studies that highlight the biological differences between MTFs and cisgender males. What this image and many other studies show is that, in the brain where our essential self lies, that MTFs truly are female, not male.

This also shows why both the AMA and the APA regard being transsexual as a medical condition – because it is. And transition, for those that need it, is one of the most successful treatments available.

What a weekend!

Nov3

I went to our local Renaissance Festival this weekend with a bunch of friends to whom I am already “out”. Getting there, one of my spiritual sisters, one of three women who have been there for me throughout, immediately started by disagreeing with me at dinner. What was she disagreeing about? In my own assessment (we’re our own worst critics, aren’t we?) I told her that while I was in in the gender “twilight zone” that I thought I was still more male than female. “Wrong,” she said, and insisted so. So she made a contest out of proving me wrong too.

I had already told her I had planned on “just being me” for the duration of the fest, whatever that meant. I was going to use my voice with male resonance suppressed, but I can’t raise pitch much because of that paralyzed vocal cord. I wasn’t going to overdress female, or focus on makeup, or anything else. I was going to let me hair hang out (it’s long except for the male pattern baldness areas on top), wear my silver stud earrings, wear a feminine hat, wear feminine jeans and either feminine or gender neutral tops. I also ended up wearing a white woman’s sweater both days as it was cool but not cold out.

Net result? Saturday I was not once gendered male and I was gendered female 5 times. Now this was with no facial makeup whatever to cover beard shadow. But I have to admit that the longer I am on HRT, the lighter the facial hairs are becoming. They’re not gone, just lighter in color. Anyway, in a crowd of 10 people, I was gendered female multiple times.

Then came Sunday. Sunday morning I decided to swap to my silver hoop earrings and wear a neutral lipstick but still no other makeup. Saturday I’d gone au naturelle under a gender neutral t-shirt but Sunday I wore my bra as Saturday turned out to be more abrasive that I’d expected! (Lesson learned!)

So what happened Sunday? On Sunday, she and I went shopping, just the two of us, and I was gendered female 12 times by 2pm, at which point we rejoined the larger group. And I used the women’s restroom for the first time. My friend was right about that too – no one noticed and no one cared.

Suddenly I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about being able to target full time in the July-September 2014 time frame as I’ve been planning. Oh, and when I relay this story to my therapist, she is just going to laugh and laugh at me. 🙂

Testosterone Toxicity Implicated in Male-To-Female Transsexuals? Some thoughts.

Oct31

I found the following article about Testosterone Toxicity in MTF transsexuals to be thought provoking. It’s from 2009 so probably too recent for much formal research to have been done, and it is anecdotal so conclusions shouldn’t necessarily be reached from this alone. However, the fact that this therapist and other therapists have seen the same thing frequently does give rise to the question she asks.

People have accused me of wanting to “justify” my transsexuality. I don’t see it that way. I’m trans, I know this, and I accept this and would go forward with my transition no matter what I find medically.

But I’m also curious and I’ve been curious about science my entire life. This is no different, hence my interest in the biological causes behind being transgender, which, incidentally, actually fits into my own life rather well so far.

Enjoy the article. I found it thought provoking.

A Pleasant Surprise in October

Oct9

I’m moving through my transition at a nice slow pace, which has been deliberate for a number of reasons. I’m still targeting next summer to go fulltime, partly because of all the wackiness my endo and I have been through with my t-levels, partly due to finances, and partly for other various reasons. So I’m happy at the progress I am making, slow though it may be at times. And I simply was not seeing myself as female on some days though on others, I definitely get that feeling.

Anyway, my spouse and I went to lunch at this tiny Italian place. I was wearing a compression shirt that is beginning to fail at the task assigned to it, a very loose t-shirt, a pair of women’s jeans, my favorite feminine black cap, and of course earrings that aren’t too loudly female. My hair is shoulder length and tied back in a pony tale and the cap hides the male pattern baldness problem on top when I’m not wearing a wig. I’ve taken to shaving with a new razor lately, a three bladed razor instead of the old dual and it really has been giving me a nice close shave so the beard is less visible plus I think the higher estrogen dosage my endo prescribed last month is having a small effect on the facial hair too. (E3000 appointment in 2 more months!)

So there we are in the Italian restaurant. I admit it was a wee bit dark and after the waiter takes my spouse’s order, I get “And you, ma’am?” I don’t blink but instead I place my order. I’ve been working on using my voice with male resonance minimized, which raises the pitch a bit, though not sufficiently for my taste, due to that darned paralyzed vocal cord, and he doesn’t bat an eye. He walks off and I grin. My spouse looks at me funny, and I say, “I think I just mis-heard the waiter.” She says, “No you didn’t. He said ma’am when talking to you.” He comes back, brings our iced teas, and says, “Your orders will be out shortly, ladies.”

Needless to say, I was grinning ear to ear. I did not expect that quite yet! Even being rationally fully aware that I need to be accepting of myself first and foremost, there’s a small sense of satisfaction when someone else sees you as you wish to be seen.

As a side note for seeing what we want to see, my youngest son, despite knowing that I am trans, upon seeing my hair back in a ponytail and the earrings said I should “grow a goatee” to complete the “biker” look. It’s interesting to see how expectations form opinions versus the absence thereof. Exact same visual image – my son sees a male “biker” and a waiter who doesn’t know me sees a woman. Overcoming first impressions can take more work than making good first impressions. Food for thought. 🙂