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A Rant, at Transphobic Transgender People

Elsewhere on the internet I recently saw the following loaded question:

I have been told by numerous people and have read even more comments from those who object to the terms Cis, cisgender, cismale and cisfemale.

My question for those who use the terms, why should someone be allowed to ID another group without their consent, and not care if the terms may be offensive to the person or many in a group, then turn around and expect that offensive terms towards them never be used and demand the right to self-ID?

Given that cisgender, cismale, and cisfemale originated as completely clinical terms, I failed to see how these could be offensive. Further, the original question is a strawman, because self-identification is not the only way people get identified. However, in the spirit of participating, I went looking.

First, as to origins, I found this:

Cisgender has its origin in the Latin-derived prefix cis-, meaning “on this side of,” which is antonymous with the Latin-derived prefix trans-. This usage can be seen in the cis-trans distinction in chemistry, or in the ancient Roman term Cisalpine Gaul (i.e., “Gaul on this side of the Alps”). In the case of gender, however, cis- refers to the alignment of gender identity with assigned sex. The terms “cis” and “trans” were used by Seymour Benzer in genetics,in his analysis of different senses of the word “””gene” in 1955-7[9] to represent two forms of mutations, when both on same chromosome or on separate chromosomes or DNA strands. Benzer distinguished the muton (smallest unit of mutation) from the codon (smallest unit of coding), and the recon (smallest unit of recombination), from the cistron, or gene analyzed by crossover.

German sexologist Volkmar Sigusch may have been the first to use the term cissexual (zissexuell in German) in a peer-reviewed publication: in his 1998 essay “The Neosexual Revolution,” he cites his two-part 1991 article “Die Transsexuellen und unser nosomorpher Blick” (“Transsexuals and our nosomorphic view”) as the origin of the term.[14] He also used the term in the title of a 1995 article, “Transsexueller Wunsch und zissexuelle Abwehr” (or: “Transsexual desire and cissexual defense”).

So it is immediately obvious that cisgender/cismale/cisfemale are terms not developed as social taunts or insults. They were coined by social researchers seeking to distinguish non-transgender people from transgender people in an attempt to understand gender identity. It is also easier to say than many of the alternatives. Given that it has never had a negative intent that I can find, this word is nothing like “tranny” or the n-word applied to people of color, both of which are intended to be offensive, insulting, and demeaning.

Also consider the following thought: “the most useful thing about the word cisgender is that it *avoids* value judgments like calling people whose physical and psychological gender are the same ‘normal’.” This avoids automatically painting transgender people as ‘abnormal’. This is brilliant and a good thing because it removes value judgments from whether a person is trans or cis. They simply are biological conditions and neither one is “wrong” at all.

I found this comment at Transgriot and I liked what it said:

“If we’re going to make the point that being transgender is an everyday biological/medical/social condition, we had to have some word in the vocabulary that describes most of the people walking Planet Earth who are not trans.

It’s the same concept that underpins why gay people call non-gays ‘straight’.”

Hence I kept looking for the evidence of it being “offensive”. And lo and behold, I began to find who finds “cisgender” to be offensive.

In a discussion of the term cisgender, I found this comment:

“…to identify the term as a neologism coined by radical homosexual activists.”

Radical homosexual activists? Who uses language like that? Radical right wing extremists, that’s who!

And this comment:

“I’ve ONLY ever heard it used as an insult. I’m very surprised the article doesn’t touch on the subject, I’m sure many other normal people (sorry, ‘cis’ people) have only ever heard it as an insult too. Most of the time with the reaction of “what the shit is ‘cis’? You hate normal people so much you have to invent new terminology??”

Note the automatic assumption that a clinical definition of gender normative individuals must be because of “hate”. Note the automatic assumption of privilege in that only the cisgender community gets to name “others”.

So who posts narrow minded crap like this? Radical right wing extremists who want to deny that transgender people even exist and who want to legislate us out of their reality. The same people who don’t want transgender anti-discrimination laws passed. The same people who constantly try to pass absurd bathroom laws hoping to force a transgender woman into the men’s room (where one prominent Tennessee politician promised to “stomp a mudhole” in such a person).

There is one other group that loudly objects to the term cisgender. That group are the radical feminists who, just like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, insist that transwomen don’t really exist. They are often referred to as “RadFems” and they call themselves that so it’s not a term we are inventing for them. These people object to anything that attempts to recognize or legitimize transgender people. Some of them have even petitioned the United Nations demanding that anything related to discussion of transgender persons be stricken from UN debates.

These are the kind of people who object to cis as “offensive”. Am I going to give a damn about such people? Only insofar as how I can muster good and honest people into silencing their bigotry and removing the enactment of their hate from our public lives. This also suggest to me a bit about the kinds of people that the original questioner seems to try to associate with and find acceptance from – radical right wingers or RadFems. Good luck with that as a transwoman!

Finally there’s been a lot of additional discussion at the forums where this originated. There’s been some wild leaping to conclusions too, that anyone who argues in favor of the term cisgender is “trying to redefine trans as normal”, something I disagree with completely. What the cis/trans discussion does, as stated above, is remove value judgments from the discussion.

And that is the center of all this, isn’t it? Oh, by the way, please read Zinnia Jones (I love Zinnia’s writings!) take on this: “Cisgender is not a slur, John Aravosis.” She says so much more and so much more eloquently.

Acting on Being Unashamed

Yesterday was a bit unusual for me. You see, I often have my GT appointments on Thursday afternoons but my electrolysis session is Saturday morning, meaning Wednesday is the last day I can shave. And yesterday was a GT appointment but I didn’t feel like changing into guy clothes. For clarification, I work about 90% from home and at home I dress in about 90% female clothing. Most everything I wear is female except I own a large number of guy’s T-shirts (some of which could be considered women’s T-shirts too but that’s subjective).

So as the time came to leave for my appointment, I decided to just run with it, totally genderqueer, and see what happened. Out the door I went wearing female tennis shoes, jeans, panties (obviously not visible), a probably gender neutral T-shirt, a woman’s cream colored sweater, a black cap that is pretty feminine, and carrying my purse. Now note that I was definitely not passing as female while doing this. I got a few looks on the highway but at those speeds I’m not sure what someone was thinking.

When I arrived at my GT’s office building, I simply got out, locked the car, and walked to the elevator. I got one totally curious look from one man and a few glances from a couple women, but not specific comments. My GT commented positively about what I was wearing and I explained my mindset on that to which she said that she liked how I was handling this. I told her I simply decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of myself generally, though I still go out of my way to present all male at work (for obvious reasons) on those few days that I do go into the office. We had a good session and on the way out I got looks from a few women on that floor en route to the elevator and then in the elevator, a woman looked at me and simply said, “You look good!” I grinned ear to ear at her comment, thanked her, and we went our separate ways once the elevator reached the first floor. On the way out of the building an older gentleman in a suit saw me and had a definite “what the…” type moment and expression on his face but again, nothing was said. I very specifically looked him right in the eye and smiled. He smiled back weakly and then went on his way.

Getting home this reinforced wise words that I’ve read at Laura’s Playground over and over – most of our fears come from within. Yes, there’s a risk someone might get physically violent but since I’m not entering spaces where that is likely, I think the chances of that are low. Otherwise what’s the worst that can happen? Someone points at you? Turn and look them right in the eye and smile. I’ll bet they either fade into the crowd or change their tune and approach you in a more honest and friendly manner.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are!

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.

A Different Space Mentally and Emotionally

I’ve come to realize that my bargaining over this was a desperate attempt to preserve my marriage. Intellectually, I’d been preparing myself for that moment but emotionally I was not prepared at all. Worse, in allowing my feminine side out, I was crying more and letting my emotions run harder than they had run in years.My emotional distress overtook me and I allowed myself to consider things that are not healthy for me.

Because, in bargaining, I had immediately laid the groundwork for future resentment, anger, and frustration of me towards her. While I want to stay together with my spouse, I also have to realize that it is wrong of me to expect her to change, that I should not push for it, and that I need to accept her as she is, even if this means we have to go our separate ways.

I am closing that intellectual and emotional gap now and finding myself more at peace emotionally as well as intellectually. I am also realizing that moving on with my life is not the end of the world. It will hurt and it will continue to hurt for quite some time but I need to be able to let her go if that is what is best for both of us. The only reason to stay together is if my spouse would want all of me, the authentic me, as one friend put it. Anything else would be continuing to live a lie.

The Pain of Accepting Oneself

My spouse and I have reached a point where we realize we can’t be together going forward. I need to be honest with myself and true to myself. Not only has my own therapist said this but now my spouse’s therapist said this as well. Both of them have spent time with us and concluded that we’re fooling ourselves if we believe the other person is going to change in a way to make the other happy.

So that’s it. Thirty five years of marriage, three kids, and four grandchildren and we’re done. Worse, the kids are angry towards me and vindictive so I’m not going to be allowed to see my grandchildren either.

My decision to be honest, to be true to myself, now means that people to whom I’ve given thirty five years of my life now despise me. To have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, til death do us part does not mean what it says. It’s poetic license and sad poetic license at that.

My children are coming over this weekend to confront me, to question me, and to try to put me on the spot. But I am going to hold to the words that my spouse’s therapist told me – be true to yourself and don’t let others coerce you.

I hope this doesn’t turn ugly.