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The Bathroom Myth – Again!

Feb8

It seems no matter how often this myth is debunked, no matter how often the statistical facts disprove the bigoted presumptions of radical right wing religious zealots, they still try to create fear, uncertainty, and doubt about transgender people (especially transgender women) by raising the threat of assault in bathrooms.

But what is the reality? This is the reality – 15 experts, including multiple state law enforcement heads, confirm that there is no problem from transgender women using the women’s restrooms. None. Nada. Zip. It doesn’t exist.

The statement from Massachusetts is particularly strongly worded:

The argument that providing transgender rights will result in an increase of sexual violence against women or men in public bathrooms is beyond specious.  The only people at risk are the transgender men and women whose rights to self-determination, dignity and freedom of violence are too often denied.  We have not heard of any problems since the passage of the law in Massachusetts in 2011, nor do we expect this to be a problem.  While cases of stranger rape and sexual violence occur, sexual violence is most often perpetrated by someone known to the victim and not a stranger in the bush or the bathroom. [Email exchange, 3/7/14, emphasis added]

Other states also note no known cases of assault in that state. Three cities chime in with similar comments. Even the single incident that the antis love to trot out, about Colleen Francis, was never about sexual assault. It was about two thirteen year old girls entering an area clearly marked “adult only”!!

So how would people feel about two boys complaining about naked women when they snuck into a strip club? How would they have felt if two boys had snuck into that adult-only sauna? And note, Colleen Francis assaulted no one. She is simply non-op transgender and was in the sauna.

It’s time to bury the trope about sexual assault in bathrooms. In Colorado that trope was used to try to roll back transgender protections in locker rooms. One Democrat who voted against that bill (which was successfully defeated) was Representative Joe Salazar, who said, “I don’t mean any disrespect towards you, but I’m offended by this bill because this is rinse-and-repeat prejudice.” Further, he said, “The reasons for non-desegregating in the 1950s and ’60s was because Mexicans and blacks somehow were sexual perverts.”

See? Same old religious arguments about a problem that does not exist being used to support hate, discrimination, bigotry, and superstitious nonsense. It’s time to end this. And we should remind these bigots that we’ve seen all these same arguments before, against blacks, against hispanics, against interracial marriage.

Adjust Your Attitude

Feb5

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” ― Winston Churchill

The above is blatantly and starkly true. For years, I let the pessimist in me hold me back. Finally, reaching rock bottom, I reached out for help and found a therapist who helped me find the “glass half full” perspective on things. I’ve taken that initial learning and begun to apply that to more and more parts of my life. And I also learned to admit that I can’t do things alone, reaching out for help, and finding it. And finally, I learned to let go of those who didn’t want to support me instead of obsessing over losing them. I realized they had walked away from me, not the other way around, so I let them go. Yes, it hurt but once I made that admission, that they no longer wanted me in their lives, I was able to heal from that hurt.

This all comes down to “adjust your attitude”.

I see many trans folk each day saying “I can’t” or “Soandso won’t let me” and the only ones who, in my opinion, can legitimately say that are our trans youth. They are stuck with their parents and whether or not their parents accept them. But if you are an adult, you get to choose. And sometimes we have to accept that we cannot have our cake and eat it too.

When it became apparent that further fighting my inner self was going to kill me, I finally relented. I have people to whom I gave decades of my life, and literally hundreds of thousands of dollars from my total earnings who now openly despise me. But I knew that I had to be me and if they could not accept me, that was their loss.

By adjusting my attitude, by seeing the “glass half full” as often as I can, I’ve managed to move steadily forward. I’m accepted as myself anywhere in public (except occasionally around a few people I knew from before). I am full time. My legal name is now Cara, not David. I am still professionally valued and supported at work.

By realizing that nothing comes easily, by focusing on “baby steps” (thank you Paula Ult, Mia, Carolyn, and so many more for that advice!!), I have accomplished far more than I ever expected and now am on the verge of getting even more done.

All of this stems from a change in attitude. I stopped arguing with myself. I stopped accepting society’s definitions for many things and as I did so, I learned that science had already walked away from those cultural falsehoods as well. I stopped letting my rational mind limit me. I stopped letting other people define me and chose to define myself, listening to my heart, my intuition, my inner sense of self. And in doing these things, I have found personal peace.

So if there is one piece of advice I would give to each person who is unsure of themselves, it is this – adjust your attitude! I know this is not easy, but until you do, you will be just like I was – foundering in your own self-doubts and fears.

P.S. Enjoy the journey!! “Don’t be concerned about reaching your destination. Enjoy the journey and the destination will take care of itself.” Jenny Marie

Trans Kids Know Who They Are

Feb4

Transgender children know who they are, and they know this at a deep and fundamental level, just like cisgender kids do too. This is further proof that our sense of gender identity is very deep and below the rational thought level within the human brain. It also raises serious questions about how detrimental parents trying to “condition” their child to accept their desired gender for the child can be versus allowing the child to express their natural gender identity.

Transgender kids show consistent gender identity across measures

“A study with 32 transgender children, ages 5 to 12, indicates that the gender identity of these children is deeply held and is not the result of confusion about gender identity or pretense. The study is one of the first to explore gender identity in transgender children using implicit measures that operate outside conscious awareness and are, therefore, less susceptible to modification than self-report measures.”

That’s significant. It’s important too because it further removes the wind from the radical right wing religious extremists who insist that “God doesn’t make mistakes” in trying to argue that male is male and female is female. Well guess what? God doesn’t make mistakes and God made those kids trans! So deal with it, religious zealots!

This further indicts the horrible sexual fixation of modern western Judeo-Christian culture and the detrimental mental health impacts that distorted view of reality has caused to so many people, not just trans people, but many, many more. Our ingrained cultural notions of gender, sexuality, and how these things intertwine are fundamentally broken and not aligned with reality at all. It’s time we cast superstitious nonsense aside and embrace reality as it is, not as some radical extremist preacher wishes it were.

Hello, December

Dec2

It’s December again, a time of year that used to bring more smiles to my face than others. But now not so much. There are three grandchildren that I once again will not see this Christmas. And there is the memory of my mother, gone on December 10th, 2012, but it still feels like yesterday. That ache is still there. That hole is still there. I miss you, mom, but I know you loved me and would want me to get on with my life.

I am also amused, because someone reblogged one of my blog entries about the neurobiological basis of being trans. From there that post got onto Facebook. From Facebook, it seemed to spread pretty quick elsewhere! And because of that, let me say welcome to all the new folks following my blog. Thanks for reading about the thoughts and life events of one woman as she struggles to really find herself.

I went to the TG pot luck this year here in Houston. It was busy, and noisy, thus hard for me to interact with very many people due to my hearing issues. Yet a few made the effort and tried. I appreciated that. It was pleasant and thoughtful of them to do so.

But if I am honest with myself, this December is better than so many prior Decembers in so many ways that it is hard to describe. So I view this month with a kind of joy, tempered by my mother’s memory and three grandchildren who will no longer know me.

And yet I wouldn’t change anything of the last 31 months at this point either. To even be here, living, breathing, and not have wrapped myself around a concrete abutment at 130 mph as I once planned makes me smile. My spiritual sisters make me smile, and laugh! Being pushed out of my comfort zone by those who love me, and who seem to know just how hard to push or not push makes me happy.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could snap my fingers and be done with this, be finished with all the medical aspects of transitioning and then just live my life. I’m even developing plans for what to do after I’m done transitioning! But the process itself is bringing me precious beautiful memories, moments that brought me to joyful tears, and knowledge that I am loved and accepted. When I stop and realize that, the trials of transitioning turn out to have hidden rewards of their own. I’m following the yellow brick road, and while I wish I could click my heels three times and be done, it’s actually turning out to be better for me to walk that road first.

To each of you I wish Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Yule, Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever other holiday wish is appropriate to you and yours this month. I pray that 2014 was kind to each of you and that 2015 will bring each of you blessings in abundance.