Tag Archive | Transgender

In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…

Aug18

It’s still hammering me. I’m trying to accept that my marriage is over. I’m trying to accept that my medical condition is the cause of my marriage being over. Those words that I believed in that vow that I took so many years ago don’t mean what they say. They’re words of convenience, words of excuses, words meant to bind you but not the other.

If I were schizophrenic, I’d be urged to seek help. If I were suffering from a cancer, I’d be urged to seek help. But because I am transsexual, people are appalled when I seek help. People who claim to love me grow angry with me. People who made vows to me decide to leave. Help yourself? Oh the sheer horror! The embarrassment! What will the neighbors think? It’s darkly absurd but real.

It’s hard not to become bitter and jaded when you see this sort of reaction. Its hard not to want to throw things in their faces asking if they really meant those words they said so many years ago. But I swallow my cynicism and remain silent. And I won’t even be given a chance to see if it might work or not.

There’s sadness here. Sadness at what is being lost as well as sadness at the realization that I was never loved for me but was loved for what I did, if I was even loved at all. There’s a harsh, bone-chilling realization buried in there. A realization about the depth or lack thereof of other people, about the pettiness and obsessions of people I trusted. It’s a hard lesson to digest in one sitting.

Facing the end of all things, suddenly compromise is in the air.

Aug5

My spouse suddenly has been willing to discuss compromise. In the end, I’d be making the larger sacrifice by foregoing hormones and eventually surgery but I’d still get to express myself as Liz and go out in public (but without her) as Liz. At least that was the discussion yesterday.

Today she wants more from me. Not to go out in public except to my transgender meetings. Not to meet with other people and build friendships as Liz. I told her that was not acceptable and I could not do that. I reaffirmed my love for her and that my preference would be to spend the rest of my life with her but if there is no place for Liz in this life then my male self can’t be here either.

I’m wondering if talk of compromise is real or just a test to see how much she can get me to give to her position. So far she’s given little ground from her “my way or the highway” position and I’m beginning to wonder if this is just a negotiating position for her. However, she did say she finally “gets it” that just dressing en femme is not enough and that I need to allow the female aspect of me a chance to express herself. If she truly understands that then she also has to understand that to disallow that strikes at the very core of who I am.

Yesterday I was optimistic that we could find a compromise acceptable to both of us even if I was the one yielding the most to make it happen. Today I am lots less optimistic. Plus she’s flying home in a few days to talk to her parents. In a move I’ve never seen her do before, she bought only a one way ticket. I’m left wondering whether I’m being told the truth or not.