Tag Archive | Transgender

Two steps forward, one step back

Apr28

I really need to try to post more regularly. It took about 8 weeks to get the blood pressure back under control. During that time my testosterone levels actually rose rather than fell so once the blood pressure was no longer an issue, my endocrinologist started me on a low dose of spironolactone. Spironolactone apparently works by binding where testosterone usually would, leaving excess free testosterone in the bloodstream, at which point the adrenal glands are supposed to tell the testes to slow down production. I’m supposed to have additional blood work in mid to late June to see where we stand at that point.

In the meanwhile, I’ve halted facial electrolysis because hair began growing back in thicker than before. So I’ll wait until testosterone levels are down enough before beginning that again. Also, I plan to try E3000 in Dallas, as I should be able to save enough for the initial visit by then. Hopefully, the spiro puts the testosterone issue to bed and I can move towards large scale facial electrolysis to get rid of the beard and beard shadow.

My spouse and I may also be coming to terms where we can both manage to live together the next few years while she goes back to school. Emphasis on may, however. She’s the one who floated the idea but isn’t sure she can handle it so we’ll see. Financially, it would be better for us living under one roof than two while she’s in school for a number of reasons. And financially it would be better for both of us if she was working and earning a regular salary once we do split so we both end up with more comfortable lifestyles. But again, we shall see.

A February Update

Mar6

I visited my endocrinologist for my 5 month HRT followup at the end of the month. Effects continue to accumulate very slowly, but that’s fine. It gives me time to plan my next steps. My blood pressure is up though so I am working with my primary care provider to get that  back down. My estrogen levels continue to rise but my testosterone levels are staying elevated. Unfortunately we can’t change my regimen until the blood pressure is back under control.

I discovered, quite by accident, that neither Christmas cards nor Valentine’s cards to our grand kids carried my name in any form. Now let’s think about this. I’m told we’ll “remain friends” and I’m paying all the bills. What was the purpose of this pettiness? I will remember these things though. Believe me, I will remember.

I read a wonderful entry today over on the Permission to Live blog by Melissa’s spouse, Haley. For those that don’t know, Haley is a transitioning MTF and Melissa is her significant other. The post is titled Oblivious to Privilege: Part One and makes me think about how our society really works versus how most politicians think it works.

I find myself mourning a little bit every time I have to dress up fully male. It’s beginning to bother me. My electrolysis advances slowly and that’s frustrating as well. I am going to stick to my commitments til my spouse is prepared to resume her life alone but after that I am going to step up my transition efforts so that I can move towards full time living. It may come later than I wanted but I am going to get there.

Two of my cis-female friends are going to a women’s spiritual retreat soon. They wanted me to come and I wanted to go but finances and still living with my S.O. made that impossible. I hope to go next year.

Life moves forward very slowly right now. Everything revolves around other people and I’m the last one considered, as it has been for 35 years of marriage. But that will change soon, one way or another.

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

Nov2

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.

A Three Week Update on HRT

Oct16

Today is three weeks since beginning HRT. There are not many changes yet but they are beginning. There is tenderness around the breasts. I’m detecting some shrinkage of the testes. I think my skin feels slightly softer and less oily overall but I’m not certain of those things.

I’ve also had occasions of more intense olfactory sensations, but it’s not consistent. I’m also beginning to wonder if my own scent is changing but again, I’m not certain of that. My fingernails and toenails seem stronger and less flakey but that may also be the biotin at work.

Emotionally, I cry somewhat more readily. I’m not sure I detect any specific changes in thought or thought patterns. I suspect my facial electrolysis is going easier. I know that my recovery from electrolysis seems faster now than previously, especially the cheeks. My cheeks used to take 48-60 hours to recover from an electrolysis session and now it seems to be 24 hours or less with most irritation gone in 4-6 hours. I think my facial hair is growing slower, which means I need to let it grow for a longer time between electrolysis sessions. I can suddenly see the huge advantage of an electrolysis center like E3000 which does your entire face in one sitting then has you return 2-3 months later rather than doing it for just an hour each week.

I’m not sure what other direct hormonal effects I am seeing. I think my left eye generally tends to be moister than it was before though it still can get too dry. I see more vellus hairs on my scalp but that’s no help if they don’t turn into terminal hairs and I am hoping that they do.

In summary, the changes at three weeks are just beginning and are fairly subtle so far. Perhaps I’ll see more at the six week mark.

In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…

Aug18

It’s still hammering me. I’m trying to accept that my marriage is over. I’m trying to accept that my medical condition is the cause of my marriage being over. Those words that I believed in that vow that I took so many years ago don’t mean what they say. They’re words of convenience, words of excuses, words meant to bind you but not the other.

If I were schizophrenic, I’d be urged to seek help. If I were suffering from a cancer, I’d be urged to seek help. But because I am transsexual, people are appalled when I seek help. People who claim to love me grow angry with me. People who made vows to me decide to leave. Help yourself? Oh the sheer horror! The embarrassment! What will the neighbors think? It’s darkly absurd but real.

It’s hard not to become bitter and jaded when you see this sort of reaction. Its hard not to want to throw things in their faces asking if they really meant those words they said so many years ago. But I swallow my cynicism and remain silent. And I won’t even be given a chance to see if it might work or not.

There’s sadness here. Sadness at what is being lost as well as sadness at the realization that I was never loved for me but was loved for what I did, if I was even loved at all. There’s a harsh, bone-chilling realization buried in there. A realization about the depth or lack thereof of other people, about the pettiness and obsessions of people I trusted. It’s a hard lesson to digest in one sitting.