Tag Archive | Transgender

Biological differences in MTFs and cisgender males

Nov9

People continue to misunderstand that there are very real biological differences between the average cisgender male and male-to-female transsexuals. Below is an important image to understand that I extracted from Transgender Chicago: The New Health Frontier.

MTF_Brain_Scan_differences

 

The image above is the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc), in the hypothalamus. Note that heterosexual and homosexual males have nearly identical brain structures in that region. Note that biological females have very different structures in that region from those of the males. And finally note that MTF transsexuals have brain structures that are very close to the female’s and nothing at all like the male’s neurological structures.

There are numerous other studies that highlight the biological differences between MTFs and cisgender males. What this image and many other studies show is that, in the brain where our essential self lies, that MTFs truly are female, not male.

This also shows why both the AMA and the APA regard being transsexual as a medical condition – because it is. And transition, for those that need it, is one of the most successful treatments available.

What a weekend!

Nov3

I went to our local Renaissance Festival this weekend with a bunch of friends to whom I am already “out”. Getting there, one of my spiritual sisters, one of three women who have been there for me throughout, immediately started by disagreeing with me at dinner. What was she disagreeing about? In my own assessment (we’re our own worst critics, aren’t we?) I told her that while I was in in the gender “twilight zone” that I thought I was still more male than female. “Wrong,” she said, and insisted so. So she made a contest out of proving me wrong too.

I had already told her I had planned on “just being me” for the duration of the fest, whatever that meant. I was going to use my voice with male resonance suppressed, but I can’t raise pitch much because of that paralyzed vocal cord. I wasn’t going to overdress female, or focus on makeup, or anything else. I was going to let me hair hang out (it’s long except for the male pattern baldness areas on top), wear my silver stud earrings, wear a feminine hat, wear feminine jeans and either feminine or gender neutral tops. I also ended up wearing a white woman’s sweater both days as it was cool but not cold out.

Net result? Saturday I was not once gendered male and I was gendered female 5 times. Now this was with no facial makeup whatever to cover beard shadow. But I have to admit that the longer I am on HRT, the lighter the facial hairs are becoming. They’re not gone, just lighter in color. Anyway, in a crowd of 10 people, I was gendered female multiple times.

Then came Sunday. Sunday morning I decided to swap to my silver hoop earrings and wear a neutral lipstick but still no other makeup. Saturday I’d gone au naturelle under a gender neutral t-shirt but Sunday I wore my bra as Saturday turned out to be more abrasive that I’d expected! (Lesson learned!)

So what happened Sunday? On Sunday, she and I went shopping, just the two of us, and I was gendered female 12 times by 2pm, at which point we rejoined the larger group. And I used the women’s restroom for the first time. My friend was right about that too – no one noticed and no one cared.

Suddenly I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about being able to target full time in the July-September 2014 time frame as I’ve been planning. Oh, and when I relay this story to my therapist, she is just going to laugh and laugh at me. 🙂

Testosterone Toxicity Implicated in Male-To-Female Transsexuals? Some thoughts.

Oct31

I found the following article about Testosterone Toxicity in MTF transsexuals to be thought provoking. It’s from 2009 so probably too recent for much formal research to have been done, and it is anecdotal so conclusions shouldn’t necessarily be reached from this alone. However, the fact that this therapist and other therapists have seen the same thing frequently does give rise to the question she asks.

People have accused me of wanting to “justify” my transsexuality. I don’t see it that way. I’m trans, I know this, and I accept this and would go forward with my transition no matter what I find medically.

But I’m also curious and I’ve been curious about science my entire life. This is no different, hence my interest in the biological causes behind being transgender, which, incidentally, actually fits into my own life rather well so far.

Enjoy the article. I found it thought provoking.

A Pleasant Surprise in October

Oct9

I’m moving through my transition at a nice slow pace, which has been deliberate for a number of reasons. I’m still targeting next summer to go fulltime, partly because of all the wackiness my endo and I have been through with my t-levels, partly due to finances, and partly for other various reasons. So I’m happy at the progress I am making, slow though it may be at times. And I simply was not seeing myself as female on some days though on others, I definitely get that feeling.

Anyway, my spouse and I went to lunch at this tiny Italian place. I was wearing a compression shirt that is beginning to fail at the task assigned to it, a very loose t-shirt, a pair of women’s jeans, my favorite feminine black cap, and of course earrings that aren’t too loudly female. My hair is shoulder length and tied back in a pony tale and the cap hides the male pattern baldness problem on top when I’m not wearing a wig. I’ve taken to shaving with a new razor lately, a three bladed razor instead of the old dual and it really has been giving me a nice close shave so the beard is less visible plus I think the higher estrogen dosage my endo prescribed last month is having a small effect on the facial hair too. (E3000 appointment in 2 more months!)

So there we are in the Italian restaurant. I admit it was a wee bit dark and after the waiter takes my spouse’s order, I get “And you, ma’am?” I don’t blink but instead I place my order. I’ve been working on using my voice with male resonance minimized, which raises the pitch a bit, though not sufficiently for my taste, due to that darned paralyzed vocal cord, and he doesn’t bat an eye. He walks off and I grin. My spouse looks at me funny, and I say, “I think I just mis-heard the waiter.” She says, “No you didn’t. He said ma’am when talking to you.” He comes back, brings our iced teas, and says, “Your orders will be out shortly, ladies.”

Needless to say, I was grinning ear to ear. I did not expect that quite yet! Even being rationally fully aware that I need to be accepting of myself first and foremost, there’s a small sense of satisfaction when someone else sees you as you wish to be seen.

As a side note for seeing what we want to see, my youngest son, despite knowing that I am trans, upon seeing my hair back in a ponytail and the earrings said I should “grow a goatee” to complete the “biker” look. It’s interesting to see how expectations form opinions versus the absence thereof. Exact same visual image – my son sees a male “biker” and a waiter who doesn’t know me sees a woman. Overcoming first impressions can take more work than making good first impressions. Food for thought. 🙂

Why Now?

Sep30

I was reading Kira’s latest post, Revision, and it got me to thinking. I was going to respond to her but this began to grow into something long enough deserving of its own spot on my blog.

I am often asked why did it take this long for me to face my gender dysphoria? And truth to tell, it was largely three things. First, when I was younger, I didn’t even have the words to adequately express how I felt. I was fascinated with “sex change” stories when I was young but I was given so much baloney, and believed it, that I could never see myself doing that. I obsessed over girl things but I was male and, much to my dismay, I had those male dangly bits to constantly remind me that I was physically male. It didn’t matter that I thought of myself as female inside. It didn’t matter that I’d adopted a female name for myself when younger. There was this huge psychological disconnect. Maybe I thought I’d “outgrow” whatever this was. Maybe I was afraid to face what it meant. I don’t know. I just know that at that time, I lacked the words to adequately convey how I felt about myself.

Second, because of my socialization, I had this burning desire to “become the man” I was expected to be. That same desire made enlisting in the army trivially easy as a decision. By that point, I had a wife, a baby on the way, and needed steady work, which in that part of the country in that decade was very hard to find. So there I was being offered a job that carried the “mystique” of being able to “cure” me of my strange longings.

And the third part was me overcoming that aspect of my socialization against queer people to accept and be comfortable with GLBT persons generally, which then allowed me to face myself honestly. Part of that socialization, in the coal mine and steel mill country of the 1960s and 1970s, also horridly mocked people who were “queer” (homosexual). I didn’t see myself as queer but the hints around the edges of society suggested that what I felt was even worse than being “queer”. I was terrified of being found out, mocked, isolated, physically assaulted, and all the rest that came with that.

It was when I was planning suicide and I stopped myself, realizing that I do not want to do this but I can’t live like this anymore that I finally realized that I needed help, more help than this proud and arrogant person would have admitted to needing ever before in my life.

I go back now and look at things and it’s not just me interpreting my past. It’s my therapist hearing these things and helping me see what was different about my past. Yes, I am interpreting that past through hindsight but I have tools and memes and vocabulary now to better express what I felt then, and still do today.

My greatest regret remains not putting these pieces together earlier in my life, that I might have spared certain persons their own self-induced anguish at the horror of being related to a trans woman. If I had known then what I know now, there would have been no striving to be “a man”, no baby, no wedding, no such obligations and all those who today are horrified at the mere thought that they might be related to a transwoman would be spared that self-induced fear and loathing.

However, facing this earlier would also remove so many wonderful and precious people from my life. Julie, Elizabeth, Fran and Kate, my daughter, and so many others as well. And so my regrets are not large. They are not consuming regrets. They are tiny ones in the overall scheme of things, an overall scheme with which I become happier with each passing day and more confident of myself.