Tag Archive | Tolerance

Acting on Being Unashamed

Dec7

Yesterday was a bit unusual for me. You see, I often have my GT appointments on Thursday afternoons but my electrolysis session is Saturday morning, meaning Wednesday is the last day I can shave. And yesterday was a GT appointment but I didn’t feel like changing into guy clothes. For clarification, I work about 90% from home and at home I dress in about 90% female clothing. Most everything I wear is female except I own a large number of guy’s T-shirts (some of which could be considered women’s T-shirts too but that’s subjective).

So as the time came to leave for my appointment, I decided to just run with it, totally genderqueer, and see what happened. Out the door I went wearing female tennis shoes, jeans, panties (obviously not visible), a probably gender neutral T-shirt, a woman’s cream colored sweater, a black cap that is pretty feminine, and carrying my purse. Now note that I was definitely not passing as female while doing this. I got a few looks on the highway but at those speeds I’m not sure what someone was thinking.

When I arrived at my GT’s office building, I simply got out, locked the car, and walked to the elevator. I got one totally curious look from one man and a few glances from a couple women, but not specific comments. My GT commented positively about what I was wearing and I explained my mindset on that to which she said that she liked how I was handling this. I told her I simply decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of myself generally, though I still go out of my way to present all male at work (for obvious reasons) on those few days that I do go into the office. We had a good session and on the way out I got looks from a few women on that floor en route to the elevator and then in the elevator, a woman looked at me and simply said, “You look good!” I grinned ear to ear at her comment, thanked her, and we went our separate ways once the elevator reached the first floor. On the way out of the building an older gentleman in a suit saw me and had a definite “what the…” type moment and expression on his face but again, nothing was said. I very specifically looked him right in the eye and smiled. He smiled back weakly and then went on his way.

Getting home this reinforced wise words that I’ve read at Laura’s Playground over and over – most of our fears come from within. Yes, there’s a risk someone might get physically violent but since I’m not entering spaces where that is likely, I think the chances of that are low. Otherwise what’s the worst that can happen? Someone points at you? Turn and look them right in the eye and smile. I’ll bet they either fade into the crowd or change their tune and approach you in a more honest and friendly manner.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are!

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

Nov2

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.

Facing the end of all things, suddenly compromise is in the air.

Aug5

My spouse suddenly has been willing to discuss compromise. In the end, I’d be making the larger sacrifice by foregoing hormones and eventually surgery but I’d still get to express myself as Liz and go out in public (but without her) as Liz. At least that was the discussion yesterday.

Today she wants more from me. Not to go out in public except to my transgender meetings. Not to meet with other people and build friendships as Liz. I told her that was not acceptable and I could not do that. I reaffirmed my love for her and that my preference would be to spend the rest of my life with her but if there is no place for Liz in this life then my male self can’t be here either.

I’m wondering if talk of compromise is real or just a test to see how much she can get me to give to her position. So far she’s given little ground from her “my way or the highway” position and I’m beginning to wonder if this is just a negotiating position for her. However, she did say she finally “gets it” that just dressing en femme is not enough and that I need to allow the female aspect of me a chance to express herself. If she truly understands that then she also has to understand that to disallow that strikes at the very core of who I am.

Yesterday I was optimistic that we could find a compromise acceptable to both of us even if I was the one yielding the most to make it happen. Today I am lots less optimistic. Plus she’s flying home in a few days to talk to her parents. In a move I’ve never seen her do before, she bought only a one way ticket. I’m left wondering whether I’m being told the truth or not.

The Pain of Accepting Oneself

Aug4

My spouse and I have reached a point where we realize we can’t be together going forward. I need to be honest with myself and true to myself. Not only has my own therapist said this but now my spouse’s therapist said this as well. Both of them have spent time with us and concluded that we’re fooling ourselves if we believe the other person is going to change in a way to make the other happy.

So that’s it. Thirty five years of marriage, three kids, and four grandchildren and we’re done. Worse, the kids are angry towards me and vindictive so I’m not going to be allowed to see my grandchildren either.

My decision to be honest, to be true to myself, now means that people to whom I’ve given thirty five years of my life now despise me. To have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, til death do us part does not mean what it says. It’s poetic license and sad poetic license at that.

My children are coming over this weekend to confront me, to question me, and to try to put me on the spot. But I am going to hold to the words that my spouse’s therapist told me – be true to yourself and don’t let others coerce you.

I hope this doesn’t turn ugly.

AMA Facts and Data on Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Jul28

Here is a link to an American Medical Association presentation from January 2011 that provides incredible statistical and biological data that demonstrates that gender identity and sexual orientation are very largely formed from nature, not nurture, and that further, attempts to change either of the above are highly likely to fail.

The presentation is about an hour long. It’s filled with the latest data on hormones, biology, fetal development, and brain structure. It provides an excellent theoretical basis that explains why homosexuals are as they are, as well as why transsexuals are as they are.

People who deliberately ignore this sort of data are the equivalent of the Catholic Church attacking Galileo. Myth and superstition have no place superseding science on matters so critical to human physical and mental health.