Tag Archive | Family

Thanksgiving? Giving thanks, despite it all.

Nov28

I sit alone at home today and no, I won’t be invited anywhere. I do have friends but they are all away for the holiday or live far enough away that going to their homes was not practical this year. But this doesn’t upset me.

My daughter and her family are visiting elsewhere, or they’d likely have me over. My sons? No, of course not. I am a pariah to them.

And yet today I am amused. I wonder how I could have raised such a gracious and loving daughter yet have raised such vindictive and hateful sons. But friends have reminded me that neither of them grew up that way. One, who was a long time friend of my eldest son, and simply let that friendship slide away, and did so because he watched my son go from being an open-minded, accepting person early in college, to the close-minded, spiteful, angry creature he’s become today after he married into a rigid Southern Baptist clan. So I take solace in the fact that no, I didn’t do that. They did.

My daughter did have me over for dinner the night before last. She wanted to do something for me before she and her family went to visit in-laws for Thanksgiving. It was a wonderful dinner and I got to chat with her, enjoy her hot-lemon-honey-cinnamon drink that she’s created from the lemons from the tree in her backyard, and chat with my eldest granddaughter.

But then I had to excuse myself and went outside and cried. She came out and consoled me, hugged me, and just stood with me. You see, my eldest son is playing a game. He’s threatening to cut off contact with my daughter and my daughter’s children if she lets her children know about my transition. Since my granddaughter by my daughter and my granddaughter by my eldest son are just one year apart, they are close friends. Thus, she’s having to make a choice. And right now she wants to protect that childhood relationship between her daughter and his daughter, which I understand. She doesn’t like this and she has promised that it won’t stay this way, but this is what she’ll have to do soon and for the immediate future. It’s not right now but it’s coming, as I move further along with my transition and things become more and more obvious.

As I told her, this is not an act of love. It’s an act of raw hatred, anger, power. An opportunity for my son to further split our family against me, or at least he believes so. We discussed my eldest son’s wife, a woman who has been jealous of me for years because of the close relationship I once had with my eldest son. She’s done everything she can to break that up and this was the ultimate chance – cut off that competition. And now that she’s done so? She hardly includes my son in anything other than to just let him babysit their two girls. And her? She’s off running with her friends, or visiting her side of the family. She’s ignored my daughter and not been friendly or open to her either.

I had my cry. I was consoled. And I got over it. Today I’m writing about it and I am sadly amused. Sad for obvious reasons but amused because my son’s close-mindedness would deny his daughters a loving grandparent solely for his “superior moral view”.

Let me relay a story about the reality of my son’s hatred. I’ve seen my older granddaughter by my son just once in the last 16 months. It was last spring, the spring of 2013. We had gone to Denny’s for Sunday breakfast because we enjoy Denny’s pancakes, french toast, etc. And it was busy, as usual on a Sunday morning so we were waiting in the lobby. And who walked up to the cash register? My eldest son, who looked at me, grunted a hello then turned to the cashier. Right behind him, I heard a squeal. “Grandpa!” She ran to me and hugged me, saying, “I miss you so much. I love you.” I smiled down at her and replied, “I miss you too, honey. I love you.” And at that moment, her mother snatched her by the collar, dragging her out the door, with everyone staring and my granddaughter having this frightened, hurt look on her face as she was dragged away from me.

That is the reality of my life. That is the reality of my eldest son and his open bigotry, all in the name of Southern Baptist fundamentalist evangelical hatred. So those who wonder why I take a dim view of fundamentalist Christians, this is why. When you and yours openly scorn me, do not expect me to embrace your bigotry. Tolerance does not mean accepting someone else’s bigotry. That is not an act of Christ. That is an act of a Pharisee.

Thus I sit home alone today, debating what to make for myself for Thanksgiving. I have a few ideas and we’ll see what I decide. And I do give thanks, for my daughter, for my close friends, for my siblings, and for my transgender friends, all of whom have stood beside me.

Finally, just for further reading and viewing about trans experiences, here are two links. Neither is what I would call a perfect instance of journalism. The Rolling Stone piece is laced with binary gender assumptions despite its attempt to be generally positive but they do document different aspects of life as a trans person. The video is one trans person’s experience and is valid for her but each of us is unique and though we share so much, we also walk different paths in certain respects.

About a Girl: Coy Mathis’ Fight to Change Gender

I Am Not My Body

Enjoy and may each of you have a happy Thanksgiving and joyous Hanukkah.

I am somebody, even if others treat me like a nobody

Nov21

Today was the birthday of one of my daughter-in-laws. She’s married to my eldest son, about whom I’ve written before. I previously contacted her and my son on my old Facebook account and told them I would invite them to friend me on my new account. I know that she saw the PM. I do not know if my son ever did or not. Anyway, I tried to tell her happy birthday when I discovered that she had unfriended even my old male account. So I checked on my son. I can’t reach his account from my page though I found a way to reach his page via other means. Very odd. So, I am not welcome at their house. They don’t accept phone calls from me. And they never come over here. So I’ll say this here, even though she’ll never see it and probably doesn’t care even if she does – Happy Birthday.

My sons have not spoken to me in months, despite efforts to reach out the them. It took me quite some time to get over the rejection from my spouse, a rejection that basically said “no, I don’t love you; I love an image of you”, to grieve over that loss, and to come to terms with it. But I’ve known for a long time that my spouse didn’t have deep feelings for me. This simply confirmed it.

It’s a bit different when your own children reject you. There’s sadness. There’s tears. And despite months and months, it never seems to truly heal, just grow slightly more tolerable over time. It’s an ugly revelation when you find out that those to whom you gave decades of your life will willingly and happily pretend you don’t exist.

But the greatest loss are my grandchildren, who I am not allowed to see, to hold, to cherish. My grandchildren, in whose lives I’ve been made a ghost. There are no words for that, just tears.

Transphobia in Texas – Some Thoughts

Nov15

This post summarizes thoughts I’d started to write as a forum post elsewhere but which I decided to not post, since there are some trans people on that site who are argumentative and who insist that transphobia and discrimination are rare things. Rather than argue with people who are trying to directly deny my own life experiences, I thought I’d summarize some of them here. The short story is that discrimination and bigotry are real in Texas but depend a lot on exactly where you live and how liberal or conservative that area actually is. Below are my thoughts on the matter.

Texas is a bit unusual. Inside the major cities, there’s a lot more acceptance of trans folk and of GLBT people generally. Outside the major cities, it varies, but in general, the more rural you get, the less acceptance there is, and there is even occasionally often open hostility, discrimination, etc. Navigating the Texas legal system just to do a name change can leave one facing appeals and moving up the court hierarchy if the wrong judge decides to invoke the ultra-conservative Christian “God” card against you and even after those legal changes have been made (which are even authorized in state law), judges can rule against that without any seeming repercussions. See the Nikki Araguz case for an example of where a judge simply ignored state law because the plaintiff’s lawyers claimed “the Bible says so”. Worse, these bigots end up giving a bad name to those good Christians who do work with the poor, who accept GLBT persons, etc.

In my experience, which has been confirmed with talks with many other Texas transwomen, the more someone loudly proclaims their evangelical “born again” status, the more likely that person will be openly rude to and critical of you if they realize that you are transgender and in transition or have transitioned. Unfortunately, enough of these sort of people hold political office in Texas that it can be problematic for transgender people. However, the political tide may be turning against the far right in Texas as urban areas total population begins to outstrip rural areas. As those demographics shift, so might the balance of political power.

One of my local trans acquaintances once posted to Facebook a photo of a map of Houston that she’d marked up. She’d drawn a ring around beltway 610, which is what is considered “inside” the city even though Houston city limits extend well beyond I-610. She labeled that “The Shire”. Then, in the surrounding bedroom communities, she labeled them as “orcs”, “trolls”, “here be dragons”, etc. We laughed about it but it spoke to a truth that many of us Texas TG folk have experienced – direct face to face cruelty, from people who you thought were otherwise decent people.

When I came out, someone with whom I’d been friends for many years ranted on Facebook about “she-male perverts” but didn’t name me directly. But given that he’d just found out a few days before, and that thereafter he no longer discussed things with me but instead talked down at me and even yelled at me face to face, I’m 99.99% certain that rant was directed at me. Another who found out and who used to thank me for mentoring him on complex programming topics suddenly thought I should be fired for being a “pervert”. No, he would not listen to any attempt to explain things, nor even consider any references. “Yer a sinner, by gawd, and goin’ ta hell!” Thankfully we no longer worked at the same companies.

My own son, who married into an ultra conservative Southern Baptist clan refuses to let me see my grandchildren. Once, when discussing this, I said, you can’t protect your daughter forever. In just a few more years she can come seek me out of her own free will. His response? A venomous “I’ll make sure she understands about people like you before then!” His position is that any trans person should be legally required to identify themselves as trans as soon as you meet anyone, even in the most casual settings, so that person can refuse you service or to interact with you. In other words, open bigotry defined by law is what he and others want. I asked him if he meant I should be required to identify as trans when I order a burger at McDonalds and he said yes, so they can choose to refuse to serve me if they wish.

Those who claim that discrimination and hatred are rare things haven’t walked in my shoes. You’ve not had a son rant at you for 5 solid minutes where every third word was God, every other third word was fuck, and the remaining third words were incoherent babble. You’ve not accidentally bumped into your son with his family and watched your granddaughter run to your arms saying “I missed you!” only to have her torn away and dragged out of the restaurant by her mother, a look of shock and sadness on her face. You’ve not worked with homeless trans kids, only to see one choose suicide versus a state Child Protective Service that was determined to force him to live as a girl. You’ve not spent time with trans sisters who are suddenly fired and homeless. You’ve not seen a local pharmacist openly snarl at you for a prescription (yes, I changed pharmacies).

Discrimination and bigotry have been very real experiences in my world and I’ve only been transitioning for a bit over a year now. The tales that some of those who transitioned years ago here in Texas could tell might make your hair curl. I am very fortunate to work for a non-American company that has a “zero tolerance” policy against harassment and discrimination of GLBT persons and that has gender identity explicitly included in corporate policies. Many of the large and mid-size oil and gas companies in Houston also do, but many of the banks and other corporations do not yet so employment is a huge minefield since the US has not yet passed ENDA. A recent HUD housing discrimination case was here in Texas.

By the same token, some of the most accepting people of my trans status have been Hispanic Catholics. My daughter married into such a family and her father-in-law’s reaction to this news about me was that “people deserve to be happy”. Each time I’ve seen him, he’s been accepting thus far as has been his wife and my son-in-law’s sisters.

While the white, evangelical “Christian” bigots may be a minority, they are a loud minority and can and will try to make anyone with whom they disagree miserable if they can. Of course, they invoke God as the basis for their bigotry so trying to persuade them is just about impossible.

No, I do not urge any trans folk to come to Texas unless you are willing to live inside the cities and do your homework about the companies for which you wish to work. There are some amazing opportunities here with the right companies and if you stay in your “ghetto” (inside the city in Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas-Fort Worth) and away from the lily-white evangelical suburbs. Fortunately, living inside the major cities is a great thing and all of Texas’ major cities are enjoying a renewal of sorts as well.

And the more fully you pass, the more likely you can slip by stealth and not even be detected since most of these same people assume all transwomen are ugly “men in a dress” caricatures. My own son had no idea who that woman was when he saw me in a photo in a dress with some friends. When told that the woman in question is also a gamer, he thought that was “cool” and said he’d like to meet her. My friend said that wouldn’t be likely since “Liz” only rarely “came to town” and dropped the topic. My son has actually bumped into a number of transwomen that I now know and he simply does not know, yet he insists that he can spot any “tranny” a mile a way. I’ve not disabused him of his illusions as he won’t listen to me at all anymore anyway.

This is the reality of my experience thus far in Texas and my experience is far from unique, as many other trans folk I know have told. For others to tell me that my experience is “wrong” or that their experience of acceptance trumps mine is the height of hypocrisy. I can and will state that bigotry against trans folk is a very real issue, at least here in Texas. For those who live in locations where that’s not the case, I’m very happy for you but to argue that trans people don’t need legal protections is to argue against the reality that many of us have experienced. And mind you, my experience has been positively mild compared to some I have met.

Oh, and every single person who’s discriminated against me and others I’ve met? A Tea Party Republican type. Every single time. Maybe not every Tea Party person is a transphobic bigot but every transphobic bigot I’ve encountered thus far has been a Tea Party person. And I’m not alone in that experience.

Why Now?

Sep30

I was reading Kira’s latest post, Revision, and it got me to thinking. I was going to respond to her but this began to grow into something long enough deserving of its own spot on my blog.

I am often asked why did it take this long for me to face my gender dysphoria? And truth to tell, it was largely three things. First, when I was younger, I didn’t even have the words to adequately express how I felt. I was fascinated with “sex change” stories when I was young but I was given so much baloney, and believed it, that I could never see myself doing that. I obsessed over girl things but I was male and, much to my dismay, I had those male dangly bits to constantly remind me that I was physically male. It didn’t matter that I thought of myself as female inside. It didn’t matter that I’d adopted a female name for myself when younger. There was this huge psychological disconnect. Maybe I thought I’d “outgrow” whatever this was. Maybe I was afraid to face what it meant. I don’t know. I just know that at that time, I lacked the words to adequately convey how I felt about myself.

Second, because of my socialization, I had this burning desire to “become the man” I was expected to be. That same desire made enlisting in the army trivially easy as a decision. By that point, I had a wife, a baby on the way, and needed steady work, which in that part of the country in that decade was very hard to find. So there I was being offered a job that carried the “mystique” of being able to “cure” me of my strange longings.

And the third part was me overcoming that aspect of my socialization against queer people to accept and be comfortable with GLBT persons generally, which then allowed me to face myself honestly. Part of that socialization, in the coal mine and steel mill country of the 1960s and 1970s, also horridly mocked people who were “queer” (homosexual). I didn’t see myself as queer but the hints around the edges of society suggested that what I felt was even worse than being “queer”. I was terrified of being found out, mocked, isolated, physically assaulted, and all the rest that came with that.

It was when I was planning suicide and I stopped myself, realizing that I do not want to do this but I can’t live like this anymore that I finally realized that I needed help, more help than this proud and arrogant person would have admitted to needing ever before in my life.

I go back now and look at things and it’s not just me interpreting my past. It’s my therapist hearing these things and helping me see what was different about my past. Yes, I am interpreting that past through hindsight but I have tools and memes and vocabulary now to better express what I felt then, and still do today.

My greatest regret remains not putting these pieces together earlier in my life, that I might have spared certain persons their own self-induced anguish at the horror of being related to a trans woman. If I had known then what I know now, there would have been no striving to be “a man”, no baby, no wedding, no such obligations and all those who today are horrified at the mere thought that they might be related to a transwoman would be spared that self-induced fear and loathing.

However, facing this earlier would also remove so many wonderful and precious people from my life. Julie, Elizabeth, Fran and Kate, my daughter, and so many others as well. And so my regrets are not large. They are not consuming regrets. They are tiny ones in the overall scheme of things, an overall scheme with which I become happier with each passing day and more confident of myself.

As a community, we can’t go back

Jul20

Recently, a transgender child in Maryland was profiled in a few news stories, showing the positive aspects of affirming a child’s gender identity. And shortly after these stories appeared,  a hate group (the American Family Association) began publicly urging that Tyler’s parents be prosecuted for “child abuse” by allowing their child to confirm his gender identity.

Generally, people are accepting but the small yet loud groups like AFA cause problems for those parents who are simply trying to allow their child to figure themselves out. Yet there are some people who, as trans themselves, believe that we don’t need to be publicly visible or politically active. Yet these small minorities have successfully, for years, denied equal human rights to gays, lesbians, and bisexuals as well. And now that we’re more publicly visible, we have become the latest bogeyman of the radical right.

Further, that genie can’t be put back into the bottle. The old way of doing things, sliding under the radar, whether we think it was better or worse, does not matter any more. We can’t go back. More and more health professionals are dealing with more and more transgender individuals who are not choosing to live lives of depression, fear, and mental anguish. And this means that more and more of us will be visible. So the argument that people should have done this or that or gotten this step done before that step (none of which is consistent with advice from medical professionals) is simply an attempt to walk backwards to a time when trans folk were just less visible. And that is not going to succeed. We’ve been noticed by the haters.

We now have two choices – allow them to strip us of rights, to prosecute us for daring to be ourselves, or we fight back. If your position is one that says we should not fight back, legally, politically, and socially, then your position has become one of passively allowing them to try to strip us of our rights, and you are exhibiting signs of internalized transphobia. You’re afraid of who you are, of being seen for who you are, and so you side with those who would dehumanize you.

I’ve met trans folk who identify as right wing Republicans. They mouth and say the same things as these “social conservatives” about everything, including GLB people, except themselves. Somehow, they’ve convinced themselves that they are different, special, and won’t be targeted, dehumanized, and attacked by the radical right. Yet the evidence is right there, in all its public glory, that the radical right is now very aware of those of us who are trans. They’re not going to stop. They’re not going to give up. They are going to keep pushing now until we win these legal battles clearly and authoritatively.

Some trans folks can pine for the “good ole days” when we were mostly not noticed. But we cannot go back. It’s not going to happen. So choose and choose wisely. Either fight for the rights of all trans people, including yourself or be prepared to see yourself ultimately outlawed and criminalized. Because, as the evidence above demonstrates, that is exactly what these people want to do to us.