Tag Archive | Coming out

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way

Mar11

On Monday, we completed our usual planning session for the next two weeks of work and afterwards I stopped in to talk to my boss. Along the way, he informed me that the person I know best and trusted in HR just retired. Uh-oh. That threw a spanner into my coming out plans with HR. I had planned to talk to that exact person in early April since I’ve had contact with her before but not openly about this specific issue. My boss saw this bothered me so asked why. Given that I do trust him and have no reason not to talk to him, I said, “Let me close the door. We probably need to chat.”

So out it came. He now knows. And his reaction? “I don’t see this impacting your place in this organization in the least. In fact, if it does, I will be very disappointed in whomever tries to make it an issue.” He also said with my HR contact having left the company last week, he will find out who is best for me to talk to in HR so I’ll either have an HR appointment later this week or probably the first week or second week after I get back from vacation. I did explain that I am aiming to complete the legal aspects of transition in the second half of this year with a soft target date of September. Once that is done, I can really be full time and start the clock towards GCS.

That also means it’s all in play and live. And my boss? He congratulated me on tackling something that must be very difficult to face. He also said that I probably have enough stress from this outside the office (which is true) but he wanted to make sure the office was zero stress on this specific issue.

I work with great people, for a great company. I hope I can continue to say that going forward.

Addendum: Today I received an email from our new contact in HR. She wants to see me the first day I am back from vacation, which is Monday, the 23rd.

My boss also reiterated that if I need to speak to him at any time, his door is always open.

Why Transition is the Overwhelming Treatment of Choice

Mar2

Recently, at a forum where I am involved, a poster asked about evidence for non-transitioning therapies for transsexuals. Now on that forum are a tiny number who consistently pound an anti-transition drum. But as I demonstrated in my reply, their position is not congruent with the position of the medical community today. Here is what I wrote, with minor edits to make it more appropriate for this blog.

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The AMA is now overwhelmingly on board with fundamental brain differences being the root cause of transsexuality. And the APA (both of them) both state that the most effective therapy statistically for transsexuals is transition.

One of the most important of these is brain differences concerns the BST in the hypothalamus. “In the hypothalamus, the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BST) is thought to be important for gender identity. One study showed that male-to-female transsexuals had decreased BST staining identical to that for genetic XX female subjects (8). In contrast, genetic XY male subjects had significantly increased BST staining. BST staining was not influenced by sexual orientation or sex hormone levels.”

These differences can be seen below:

MTF_Brain_Scan_differences

In addition, further brain structure differences are being identified as well that impact transsexuals.

This NIH document references the study (by van Kesteren PJ, Gooren LJ, Megens JA. An epidemio-logical and demographic study of transsexuals in The Netherlands. Arch Sex Behav. 1996;25:589–600) that sex reassignment as overwhelmingly statistically successful in addressing the needs of the transsexual community. Given the size of the TS community the size of the study is significant. If the rates of transsexuality are as high as 1 in 600 as has been suggested by various studies, and if 1 in 2500 actually undergo SRS which have been suggested by direct analysis of number of surgeries in the US per year, then the size of the study in question was almost 25% of the SRS population of the Netherlands and 3% of the overall Netherlands TS population. If the rates of transsexuality are lower, then the size of the study is even more significant because it represents an even larger cross section of the TS population!

Here is the NIH position:

Quote

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Treatment options for patients with gender identity at variance with physical appearance can be evaluated in the order of extent of invasiveness. The least invasive intervention would be counseling such patients to accept the circumstance. As already noted, however, no available data support the success of such therapy. The next least invasive approach might be a targeted treatment of the underlying problem. The medical community, however, has little knowledge about the brain region associated with gender identity, and even less is known about techniques for manipulating it.
Although current transgender treatment is relatively invasive and does not address the problem completely, it is the most successful intervention available. Studies report very high transgender patient satisfaction with sexual reassignment. Thus far, the largest evaluation has been a survey of Dutch transgender patients (10). Among the 1,285 patients surveyed, 1,280 were satisfied.

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As noted, “no available data support the success” of counseling patients to simply accept their circumstances. The second discussed option, manipulating the brain to become more accepting of the body, is not currently possible because the “medical community, however, has little knowledge about the brain region associated with gender identity, and even less is known about techniques for manipulating it“.

This leaves transitioning as the primary therapy for dealing with GID. As has been noted in the past here, there are people who do manage to live out their lives without transitioning to live in a new gender role. Good for them. But they are also the statistical minority among patients suffering from significant GID. For that category of patients, the number one therapy of choice today is transitioning (aside from suicide and I think we all agree that suicide is a bad option, yes?).

Therapists will assist a patient in trying to meet their personal goals but a transsexual suffering from significant GID ought to be prepared to discover that non-transitioning treatments are very likely to fail to bring them to a level of comfort with themselves that allows them to live a full and fruitful life. Certainly there will be those cases that do succeed at this, but as the NIH document notes, the medical community’s primary treatment therapy today is transition, including HRT, and optionally including surgeries to further assist the body to conform to the expectations of the mind.

Therefore, in answer to the original poster’s question – you are unlikely to find any large scale answer to your question of non-transitioning treatments that work. In almost every case where that does occur, the patient has developed their own unique regimen for coping with their GID that is specific to that patient. The single treatment option that does work and which is medically and statistically supported at this time by the medical and psychiatric and psychological communities is transition.

To the original poster, if you choose to not transition, it’s pretty much you and your therapist in uncharted waters. It’s possible you will succeed. Good luck if you choose that path. I will not dissuade you from taking whatever path you choose but I will stand by the statements in this post that transition is the proven most effective treatment for transsexuals suffering from severe GID.

P.S. This is the reason that there is so-called “cheerleading” for transition in the community – because it works. And because it is overwhelmingly statistically successful. Those are facts.

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The above was the body of my response in that discussion thread.

Second E3000 Session This Week!

Feb9

My second E3000 session will be later this week. I’ll be sure to take some before and after photos and try this time to get an immediate after photo to show the usual swelling as a reference.

I got a very nice PM from one of my daughter-in-laws. She’s so very sweet. I really wish I could see my new grandson but I know that will never happen. It’s something I have to move past. But I am thankful that she at least acknowledged me this once.

I’m going to be going to Memphis, Tennessee in March to see a very very dear friend and hopefully a second who may be coming down from Madison, Wisconsin that same week. I’m excited!

The ethinyl estradiol continues to work and better than the prior estrogen form I was taking. I’m finally noticing more feminization occurring so this is a good thing!

A friend of mine finally joined Facebook. I hope I can make her presence there more comfortable.

Life proceeds apace. I’m gathering materials to have handy for my coming out to HR and management in early March.

Small steps, baby steps, but onward I go.

 

An Absurdity of Trans Self Hatred And My Response

Jan9

On a forum where I am not allowed to post my thoughts without censorship, a post as made that trans folk should be like a starfish opening a clam, slow steady pressure that eventually succeeds. This is pretty wise advice for most cases and I had no quibble with that advice. But another poster came in and posted complete and utter nonsense. This poster has waged a war against transition itself and urged trans people to always “sit in the back of the bus” if even a single cisgender person objects. Here is what she said:

Yet a very relevant digression because that sort of militant action created many negative reactions and created opponents, opponents who could have cared less but were forced to become opponents because of the offensive behavior and not just fighting for gay rights but attacking many non-gays for their beliefs. Beliefs which by and large had nothing to do with gay issues.

The turning point for gays was when non-militant folks started coming out and demonstrated gay people can be decent human beings and all weren’t such offensive people.

You message here Becky is a very good one and illustrates that desires can be obtained, respect and acceptance achieved by being a decent human being first and using slow and constant change. There have been thousands just like you who have provided positive examples who have been instrumental in achieving so much for trans.

It seems more and more a certain portion of the community seems focused on flushing all this good will folks like you have earned for trans by becoming more angry at non-trans and not pushing for needs but pushing for things that go well beyond the needs of trans and not respecting things most people will find offensive.

This is my response, which I cannot post there because of censorship.

Once upon a time, most whites found the mere presence of blacks offensive. White women argued that black women would prey upon white women in integrated restrooms. Sound familiar?

There are certain things that are morally abhorrent regardless of how they are done. I take great exception to the “stay at the back of the bus” mentality. Coming out gently, the “starfish” approach doesn’t mean not rattling cages. It means doing things in a slow steady forward progression. But people can still be exceptionally stiff necked, cruel, rude, and even dangerous when faced with change they dislike. Should someone stop transition at a certain point just to satisfy family members yet remain in a suicidal depression by doing so? I don’t think so. Should a trans person be denied restroom access to simply empty their bowels or bladder because some bigot is upset that trans folk merely exist? That’s the narrative of Pacific Justice Institute – that your mere existence is harassment of cisgender women.

Among my friends and family, I’ve achieved a more than 90% success and acceptance rate among the people I know. Yet there are losses and those losses were not caused by me. Those losses were the deliberate choices of those people to reject me, despite multiple health care professionals all agreeing that this was what I needed to do. And those losses remain very painful.

Your frequent harangues against transition and against not upsetting anyone amount to allowing one family member to tell you to not seek cancer treatment when ill with cancer. That’s absurd, isn’t it? And it’s just as absurd when applied to therapies that mental health professionals can statistically prove are highly likely to succeed in reducing stress and anxiety brought about by gender dysphoria.

No one is “forced to become an opponent”. That’s an absurd rationalization for bigotry, hatred, and injustice. Becoming an opponent is a choice that the opponent makes not the trans person, not the gay person, not the black person, not the hispanic person. George Wallace chose to become an opponent of blacks. Every single person who chooses to oppose equal rights for transgender people is making exactly the same sort of choice as George Wallace. All that black people did was stand up and say, “I want to be respected and treated decently.” What George Wallace did, and what trans bigots do today is respond with, “Hell no! We’re never going to respect you! We’d turn the dogs on you, the water cannons, and we’d round you up and ship you to camps if we could!” This isn’t even an exaggeration either because trans opponents have made exactly those sort of arguments, from the Tennessee state representative who promised to “stomp a mudhole” into any trans woman he saw enter a restroom, to a North Carolina GOP state organizer who wants to send every trans person off to camps, to even my eldest son who says I need a tattoo on my forehead and arm that tell the world I am trans. (Does that sound familiar?)

Your argument is an “Uncle Tom” argument. Your argument is fear and loathing of what you and other trans folk are, and a choice to allow your rights to be trampled and yourself to be bullied, all so you don’t upset the bigots. I do not accept your choice. You’re free to sit in the back of the bus, but I won’t.

I’m not even sorry to say this, but to hell with you and your fear mongering about who we are. You are a menace to young trans people everywhere by sowing excessive doubt and worry. My only regret is I cannot post my frank opinion of your complete and utter bullshit right where it would matter.

Lessons For Others Like Me

Jan3

Recently, another transwoman blogged about how “coming out” is tearing her apart. How every passing day as “him” becomes more and more painful yet she is afraid to move forward fearful of the losses that may come. This blog entry is for her and every other trans person like her.

I went through what you have. I dressed secretly, went out as myself when my spouse was away on trips. Dressed at home as “me”. I purged wigs and clothing multiple times, swearing “never again” but to no avail.

I did this for decades. Decades. My marriage suffered for it as there were long periods in which I simply could not function as a male. My spouse knew something was wrong but she never confronted me about it except to ask once, years ago, if I was having an affair. I was not, of course, so denied that but offered her no further insights at that time.

This roller coaster went on for years and years and years. My gender dysphoria would build, drive me into dark depressions, then I’d grasp at some straw to distract me and lift me out. And then in 2010 came the worst dysphoria episode of all.

It ate at me, tore at me, and would not let go. And I continued to resist like a damned fool. My life became darker and darker and darker. I began to plot my own death. I was plotting because a plain suicide would have denied her life insurance benefits. Instead, I was plotting to smash my sports car into a concrete bridge abutment at 130 mph or better. Everyone knew I drove fast. Mr. Macho Car Lover! Part of my facade to ensure I looked “male enough” to the world! This wouldn’t be a surprise at all, just that somehow he lost control and… over. Done. Later, when she discovered this plan, she was utterly horrified because it became plain to her exactly how serious I was about this.

It was while driving the roads late one evening, looking for the perfect place to have my “accident” that I realized I didn’t really want to die. That was where I realized that I wanted to live but didn’t know how and so instead I reached out and fortunately found one of the better and more experienced therapists who deals with transgender issues in this city.

I poured out my soul to her that first session, crying, expressing myself, my wants, my fears. She ended that session with the admonition that the first thing I had to do was to stop lying, mostly to myself, and admit who I am.

That was in March 2012. Months of therapy later, every week for the first several months, I began cross gender hormone treatment, in September 2012.

The most important lesson I learned in this was that how others react to me is their choice and that anyone who refuses to accept me as me was never a friend or someone truly trustworthy in the first place. If someone rejects me because of a truth about me, they never really loved me nor were truly friends to me in the first place. I was only accepted because I towed a particular line for that person, not because of any truth about myself.

Some spouses are able to accept this knowledge. Some are not. But torturing yourself for the rest of your life to remain in a marriage that drives you to the pits of despair and the edge of suicide is not healthy. It’s not even rational. Love would not torture another person. Love would not condemn them to darkness and thoughts of death being preferable to life.

I told my spouse. She declared this unacceptable. She’s going back to school and in a few years we will divorce. We live in separate rooms in the same house for now as this makes more financial sense than just splitting at the present. I have lost her, in all but name, and will lose her in name eventually too. Her entire family condemns me. Both my adult sons no longer speak to me nor allow me to see their children. One of my brothers refuses to accept this.

I have found love and support from two of my brothers, my sister, my daughter, my daughter’s husband, my daughter’s children, and numerous friends who have become my “spiritual family” including three very special women who have stepped forward as my “soul sisters” slowly guiding my journey into womanhood.

I have tried my best to never be accusatory to those who refuse to accept. Through tears and pain, I leave all those doors open, on the off chance that someone may change. It’s not an assumption that they will, just a hope that a few of them might.

In the meanwhile, I continue to move forward with my transition. And despite these losses, the gains of love and friendship I’ve made have helped offset those and helped me endure. I am, for the first time in my life, actually happy with myself, rather than simply distracted by some externality in my life.

I’ve said this before, but only you can determine whether you can accept the changes that will inevitably come from being true to yourself. But let me warn you that trying to hide from this is a path into darkness, a path into nothingness. And the end of that path does no one any good. Not you. Not your spouse. Not your children. Not your friends. Not your siblings. No one.  As another friend reminded me, suicide doesn’t solve anything at all and in fact permanently scars those left behind in ugly harsh ways. If you reach the point of considering suicide, it might end your pain but instead will burden all those around you for the rest of their lives. Is that what you really want to accomplish?

To borrow a phrase, don’t go down that road. You know where it ends and you don’t want to be there. Whatever road you take, don’t take the road into darkness. If the choice is darkness or yourself, choose yourself. Anyone who can’t accept that wasn’t meant to be in your life anyway.