Fallout

Jul14

After talking to them the other day, my kids got together at my eldest son’s house last night to talk. Around 11pm or so (give or take a bit, I don’t recall), they called and asked my spouse to go over. I was specifically asked not to come.

She got home after I was in bed so we didn’t chat much then. And this morning, I got up to do my Saturday electrolysis appointment. When I got back home around 11am, no one was here. She had left a note saying she had gone to breakfast with my daughter.

Shortly after this my eldest son called and asked to come over. Initially, he tried to browbeat me a bit with how much pain I was going to be causing everyone else. When he saw that wasn’t working, he informed me that I “better” be sure that I took care of my spouse, in what felt like a threatening tone. I sat him down and informed him of a lot of things that he probably never knew and told him it was never my intent to leave her but that if she leaves me, it’s her choice and he better remember that.

He then informed me that I was not welcome to see his children (my grandchildren) anymore at all under any circumstances. He said he “might” change his mind later but gave no promises. He then informed me that he has never seen my youngest son this angry before and that neither my youngest son nor his spouse had any wish to speak to me again, at least at the current time. Finally, he let me know that my daughter, while still supporting me, is very confused and struggling with all this (which I knew).

I asked specifically about their spouses and he reiterated that my youngest son’s wife is very upset and does not want to talk to me. My daughter’s husband is taking things calmly and is mostly concerned about my daughter. My eldest son’s wife is alternately crying and in shock. I’m curious about why this is such a bad thing for her but I doubt I’ll get a clear answer about that.

So today is a lousy day and it’s going to be a lousy week. Oh, my son also informed me that he invited a common friend over and told him everything too without giving me a chance to come out to that friend. And further, my son demanded that I talk to my next younger brother “soon” or he would. While he claims he wants to maintain a relationship between us, it was obvious there was a lot of hostility there.

I’m expecting my daughter to cave under familial pressure and restrict me from seeing her children as well. I hope I am wrong about that. Thinking back, the last thing I got to do with my son’s and my daughter’s children was to watch the movie “Brave” together while holding the youngest one in my lap. That movie will always hold a special place for me because of that.

Coming out to adult children

Jul14

The day before yesterday I came out to my adult children. The reactions were ones of shock, to a degree but mixed after that. All of them were initially confused and I tried to answer what questions I could.

My eldest son emphasized that he’d looked up to me all his life and that he’d learned honor and dedication to his spouse from me. He then chastised me for all the pain and embarrassment I was going to cause others. I didn’t retaliate or push back with the pain and shame I’ve lived with my entire life. I doubt he would have heard what I said anyway.

My youngest son listened for a while then exploded in anger at me, calling me the most selfish person he’s ever met and verbally blasting me between invoking God and using expletives to make his point. It wasn’t a pretty or friendly sight and he sat there and seethed afterwards until they all agreed to leave.

My daughter was the most gracious. She emphasized that she still loves me, loves both myself and my spouse as her parents, and expressed her concern for her mother. After the boys left she stayed, hugged me, and we even talked about clothes as I showed off a few of my things to her.

All of this was last night. Today she sent me a text message just to say she loves me. My eldest son came by and took my wife to breakfast. When he returned, he didn’t bother coming in to say hello.

I’m afraid that my youngest son and his spouse are going to cut me off entirely. I fear I may not get to speak to him or her much at all going forward, except when they feel it is necessary. My eldest son I am less certain about but I fear that he too is going to slide away from me and distance himself from me but that remains to be seen.

I also came out via email to a longtime friend. She was both surprised but supportive and happy for me. I’ve known her for many years and though she lives several states away, I’ve always felt that she was someone trustworthy. My instincts were not wrong this time. That brings to two the number of close female friends who I’ve revealed myself to and who have accepted me.

Starting Electrolysis

Jun18

On Saturday, June 9th, I began electrolysis. It’s an interesting procedure and though the pain in the cheeks isn’t bad, I’ve heard that the pain around the lips can be intense. I’ve started researching possible ways to counter this and my gender therapist recommended that I consider numbing gels and creams used by tattoo artists. These are not prescription but do a pretty good job of numbing the affected area for up to four hours. So I will be looking into those.

Also, the feel of the skin in the areas where the facial hair is being removed is amazing. It’s not all completely clear yet, of course, but it’s so much smoother and softer without those thick heavy facial hairs poking out. I can’t wait for most of the lip and chin area to be cleared!

I’ve done two sessions so far and they’ve been tolerable. I know I have many more hours on that table before I will be done but it’s already feeling worth it!

 

From Here to There

May20

This blog will categorize the emergence and journey of Elizabeth, my true self. You see, I’m transgender and have fought with myself my entire life, fighting depression and fear. But I’ve finally reached the point where I can deny who I am no longer. And I intend to embrace and become the woman I’ve always been deep inside.

This journey will have joys and disappointments, gains and losses. I will discover who loves me and who does not. But my mind is now set. I know where I am going and I know who I am.