A February Update

Mar6

I visited my endocrinologist for my 5 month HRT followup at the end of the month. Effects continue to accumulate very slowly, but that’s fine. It gives me time to plan my next steps. My blood pressure is up though so I am working with my primary care provider to get that  back down. My estrogen levels continue to rise but my testosterone levels are staying elevated. Unfortunately we can’t change my regimen until the blood pressure is back under control.

I discovered, quite by accident, that neither Christmas cards nor Valentine’s cards to our grand kids carried my name in any form. Now let’s think about this. I’m told we’ll “remain friends” and I’m paying all the bills. What was the purpose of this pettiness? I will remember these things though. Believe me, I will remember.

I read a wonderful entry today over on the Permission to Live blog by Melissa’s spouse, Haley. For those that don’t know, Haley is a transitioning MTF and Melissa is her significant other. The post is titled Oblivious to Privilege: Part One and makes me think about how our society really works versus how most politicians think it works.

I find myself mourning a little bit every time I have to dress up fully male. It’s beginning to bother me. My electrolysis advances slowly and that’s frustrating as well. I am going to stick to my commitments til my spouse is prepared to resume her life alone but after that I am going to step up my transition efforts so that I can move towards full time living. It may come later than I wanted but I am going to get there.

Two of my cis-female friends are going to a women’s spiritual retreat soon. They wanted me to come and I wanted to go but finances and still living with my S.O. made that impossible. I hope to go next year.

Life moves forward very slowly right now. Everything revolves around other people and I’m the last one considered, as it has been for 35 years of marriage. But that will change soon, one way or another.

Ringing out the old, ringing in the new

Jan4

It’s a new year with new hopes but 2012 did not go quietly into the night. December turned into a difficult month for me as my mother died a few weeks before Christmas. What had been planned as a trip home to spend time with my mother got rescheduled to become a trip home to mourn her passing. As I am nowhere near full time yet, this final trip for my mother was done in male mode, also to not bring that issue full face into so many people’s consciousness while they were mourning her.

Then my spouse elected to fly north again and spend Christmas with her family, leaving me alone for the holidays for the first time since I was stationed in Germany as a soldier 34 years previously. My daughter did have me over for Christmas eve dinner though and I greatly appreciated that, as well as my youngest son and his wife showing up at that dinner and being polite to me. My eldest son chose not to interact with me at all during the holidays other than to drop off a gift the week before, say a few words, then depart.

So there was plenty of time to mourn my mother, and my own failure to reveal myself to her. I’m pretty sure she would have loved me and supported me nonetheless, but now it’s something I’ll never get to do or share with her.

With the arrival of the new year, my primary supporters sent me positive messages and continue to cheer me on. I came out to a few more friends, who accepted me as well.

There’s much on the horizon for 2013. I expect to be pursuing my divorce by this fall, if all goes as I expect. Once that is done I can finally begin really moving forward with my own plans. In the meanwhile, I continue to do basic things, facial electrolysis, bought a new wig, expand my feminine wardrobe, and just enjoy expressing myself without false male constraints.

Acting on Being Unashamed

Dec7

Yesterday was a bit unusual for me. You see, I often have my GT appointments on Thursday afternoons but my electrolysis session is Saturday morning, meaning Wednesday is the last day I can shave. And yesterday was a GT appointment but I didn’t feel like changing into guy clothes. For clarification, I work about 90% from home and at home I dress in about 90% female clothing. Most everything I wear is female except I own a large number of guy’s T-shirts (some of which could be considered women’s T-shirts too but that’s subjective).

So as the time came to leave for my appointment, I decided to just run with it, totally genderqueer, and see what happened. Out the door I went wearing female tennis shoes, jeans, panties (obviously not visible), a probably gender neutral T-shirt, a woman’s cream colored sweater, a black cap that is pretty feminine, and carrying my purse. Now note that I was definitely not passing as female while doing this. I got a few looks on the highway but at those speeds I’m not sure what someone was thinking.

When I arrived at my GT’s office building, I simply got out, locked the car, and walked to the elevator. I got one totally curious look from one man and a few glances from a couple women, but not specific comments. My GT commented positively about what I was wearing and I explained my mindset on that to which she said that she liked how I was handling this. I told her I simply decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of myself generally, though I still go out of my way to present all male at work (for obvious reasons) on those few days that I do go into the office. We had a good session and on the way out I got looks from a few women on that floor en route to the elevator and then in the elevator, a woman looked at me and simply said, “You look good!” I grinned ear to ear at her comment, thanked her, and we went our separate ways once the elevator reached the first floor. On the way out of the building an older gentleman in a suit saw me and had a definite “what the…” type moment and expression on his face but again, nothing was said. I very specifically looked him right in the eye and smiled. He smiled back weakly and then went on his way.

Getting home this reinforced wise words that I’ve read at Laura’s Playground over and over – most of our fears come from within. Yes, there’s a risk someone might get physically violent but since I’m not entering spaces where that is likely, I think the chances of that are low. Otherwise what’s the worst that can happen? Someone points at you? Turn and look them right in the eye and smile. I’ll bet they either fade into the crowd or change their tune and approach you in a more honest and friendly manner.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are!

I Choose to Be Thankful

Nov20

Thanksgiving approaches, and exactly as I expected, my eldest son invited my spouse but not me to Thanksgiving dinner. I’m supposed to be left out. Unfortunately for him, my daughter already invited me to dinner with her and her family. I almost allowed this situation to focus me on the negatives of my sons but after persistent yet gentle cajoling from the women I would most likely call “sisters” if I could choose them, I’m going to focus on my daughter. They remind me to let the bad go and focus on the good. And I shall.

So today I am thankful for a gracious, loving daughter who wants me to be happy. I am thankful for a daughter who has opened her heart and her arms to me. I am thankful for a daughter who allows me to see her children and to participate in their youth. I am thankful for a daughter who has grown wise beyond her years.

I am thankful for a son-in-law who has been openly accepting of me. I am thankful for a son-in-law who has embraced my daughter’s children and loved them as his own. I am thankful for each day my son-in-law still walks this earth, while we pray that his turn on the heart transplant list will come soon.

I am thankful for a beautiful granddaughter who is now 5 foot 6 inches and still growing. I am thankful for a granddaughter who really believes she could someday be a model. I am thankful for a granddaughter who is funny, smart, and who trusts her mother.

I am thankful for a grandson who is an endless ball of energy. I am thankful for a grandson who enjoys hugs and cuddles. I am thankful for a grandson who makes me laugh. I am thankful for a grandson who shows great joy.

As Thanksgiving Day approaches, I am thankful for a wonderful daughter and the beautiful web of love and kindness that she has woven all around her. Despite everything else, I choose to be thankful, and my daughter is one true reason why.

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

Nov2

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.