Two steps forward, one step back

Apr28

I really need to try to post more regularly. It took about 8 weeks to get the blood pressure back under control. During that time my testosterone levels actually rose rather than fell so once the blood pressure was no longer an issue, my endocrinologist started me on a low dose of spironolactone. Spironolactone apparently works by binding where testosterone usually would, leaving excess free testosterone in the bloodstream, at which point the adrenal glands are supposed to tell the testes to slow down production. I’m supposed to have additional blood work in mid to late June to see where we stand at that point.

In the meanwhile, I’ve halted facial electrolysis because hair began growing back in thicker than before. So I’ll wait until testosterone levels are down enough before beginning that again. Also, I plan to try E3000 in Dallas, as I should be able to save enough for the initial visit by then. Hopefully, the spiro puts the testosterone issue to bed and I can move towards large scale facial electrolysis to get rid of the beard and beard shadow.

My spouse and I may also be coming to terms where we can both manage to live together the next few years while she goes back to school. Emphasis on may, however. She’s the one who floated the idea but isn’t sure she can handle it so we’ll see. Financially, it would be better for us living under one roof than two while she’s in school for a number of reasons. And financially it would be better for both of us if she was working and earning a regular salary once we do split so we both end up with more comfortable lifestyles. But again, we shall see.

A February Update

Mar6

I visited my endocrinologist for my 5 month HRT followup at the end of the month. Effects continue to accumulate very slowly, but that’s fine. It gives me time to plan my next steps. My blood pressure is up though so I am working with my primary care provider to get that  back down. My estrogen levels continue to rise but my testosterone levels are staying elevated. Unfortunately we can’t change my regimen until the blood pressure is back under control.

I discovered, quite by accident, that neither Christmas cards nor Valentine’s cards to our grand kids carried my name in any form. Now let’s think about this. I’m told we’ll “remain friends” and I’m paying all the bills. What was the purpose of this pettiness? I will remember these things though. Believe me, I will remember.

I read a wonderful entry today over on the Permission to Live blog by Melissa’s spouse, Haley. For those that don’t know, Haley is a transitioning MTF and Melissa is her significant other. The post is titled Oblivious to Privilege: Part One and makes me think about how our society really works versus how most politicians think it works.

I find myself mourning a little bit every time I have to dress up fully male. It’s beginning to bother me. My electrolysis advances slowly and that’s frustrating as well. I am going to stick to my commitments til my spouse is prepared to resume her life alone but after that I am going to step up my transition efforts so that I can move towards full time living. It may come later than I wanted but I am going to get there.

Two of my cis-female friends are going to a women’s spiritual retreat soon. They wanted me to come and I wanted to go but finances and still living with my S.O. made that impossible. I hope to go next year.

Life moves forward very slowly right now. Everything revolves around other people and I’m the last one considered, as it has been for 35 years of marriage. But that will change soon, one way or another.

Ringing out the old, ringing in the new

Jan4

It’s a new year with new hopes but 2012 did not go quietly into the night. December turned into a difficult month for me as my mother died a few weeks before Christmas. What had been planned as a trip home to spend time with my mother got rescheduled to become a trip home to mourn her passing. As I am nowhere near full time yet, this final trip for my mother was done in male mode, also to not bring that issue full face into so many people’s consciousness while they were mourning her.

Then my spouse elected to fly north again and spend Christmas with her family, leaving me alone for the holidays for the first time since I was stationed in Germany as a soldier 34 years previously. My daughter did have me over for Christmas eve dinner though and I greatly appreciated that, as well as my youngest son and his wife showing up at that dinner and being polite to me. My eldest son chose not to interact with me at all during the holidays other than to drop off a gift the week before, say a few words, then depart.

So there was plenty of time to mourn my mother, and my own failure to reveal myself to her. I’m pretty sure she would have loved me and supported me nonetheless, but now it’s something I’ll never get to do or share with her.

With the arrival of the new year, my primary supporters sent me positive messages and continue to cheer me on. I came out to a few more friends, who accepted me as well.

There’s much on the horizon for 2013. I expect to be pursuing my divorce by this fall, if all goes as I expect. Once that is done I can finally begin really moving forward with my own plans. In the meanwhile, I continue to do basic things, facial electrolysis, bought a new wig, expand my feminine wardrobe, and just enjoy expressing myself without false male constraints.

Acting on Being Unashamed

Dec7

Yesterday was a bit unusual for me. You see, I often have my GT appointments on Thursday afternoons but my electrolysis session is Saturday morning, meaning Wednesday is the last day I can shave. And yesterday was a GT appointment but I didn’t feel like changing into guy clothes. For clarification, I work about 90% from home and at home I dress in about 90% female clothing. Most everything I wear is female except I own a large number of guy’s T-shirts (some of which could be considered women’s T-shirts too but that’s subjective).

So as the time came to leave for my appointment, I decided to just run with it, totally genderqueer, and see what happened. Out the door I went wearing female tennis shoes, jeans, panties (obviously not visible), a probably gender neutral T-shirt, a woman’s cream colored sweater, a black cap that is pretty feminine, and carrying my purse. Now note that I was definitely not passing as female while doing this. I got a few looks on the highway but at those speeds I’m not sure what someone was thinking.

When I arrived at my GT’s office building, I simply got out, locked the car, and walked to the elevator. I got one totally curious look from one man and a few glances from a couple women, but not specific comments. My GT commented positively about what I was wearing and I explained my mindset on that to which she said that she liked how I was handling this. I told her I simply decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of myself generally, though I still go out of my way to present all male at work (for obvious reasons) on those few days that I do go into the office. We had a good session and on the way out I got looks from a few women on that floor en route to the elevator and then in the elevator, a woman looked at me and simply said, “You look good!” I grinned ear to ear at her comment, thanked her, and we went our separate ways once the elevator reached the first floor. On the way out of the building an older gentleman in a suit saw me and had a definite “what the…” type moment and expression on his face but again, nothing was said. I very specifically looked him right in the eye and smiled. He smiled back weakly and then went on his way.

Getting home this reinforced wise words that I’ve read at Laura’s Playground over and over – most of our fears come from within. Yes, there’s a risk someone might get physically violent but since I’m not entering spaces where that is likely, I think the chances of that are low. Otherwise what’s the worst that can happen? Someone points at you? Turn and look them right in the eye and smile. I’ll bet they either fade into the crowd or change their tune and approach you in a more honest and friendly manner.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are!

I Choose to Be Thankful

Nov20

Thanksgiving approaches, and exactly as I expected, my eldest son invited my spouse but not me to Thanksgiving dinner. I’m supposed to be left out. Unfortunately for him, my daughter already invited me to dinner with her and her family. I almost allowed this situation to focus me on the negatives of my sons but after persistent yet gentle cajoling from the women I would most likely call “sisters” if I could choose them, I’m going to focus on my daughter. They remind me to let the bad go and focus on the good. And I shall.

So today I am thankful for a gracious, loving daughter who wants me to be happy. I am thankful for a daughter who has opened her heart and her arms to me. I am thankful for a daughter who allows me to see her children and to participate in their youth. I am thankful for a daughter who has grown wise beyond her years.

I am thankful for a son-in-law who has been openly accepting of me. I am thankful for a son-in-law who has embraced my daughter’s children and loved them as his own. I am thankful for each day my son-in-law still walks this earth, while we pray that his turn on the heart transplant list will come soon.

I am thankful for a beautiful granddaughter who is now 5 foot 6 inches and still growing. I am thankful for a granddaughter who really believes she could someday be a model. I am thankful for a granddaughter who is funny, smart, and who trusts her mother.

I am thankful for a grandson who is an endless ball of energy. I am thankful for a grandson who enjoys hugs and cuddles. I am thankful for a grandson who makes me laugh. I am thankful for a grandson who shows great joy.

As Thanksgiving Day approaches, I am thankful for a wonderful daughter and the beautiful web of love and kindness that she has woven all around her. Despite everything else, I choose to be thankful, and my daughter is one true reason why.