Archives

Into the Literal “No Man’s Land”

Sep15

As my transition proceeds, my body continues to slowly, slowly adapt to HRT and the presence of estrogen instead of testosterone. I’m definitely much happier and calmer but the physical effects are slowly coming to light as well.

Case in point – I went to Dairy Queen with my spouse. We did this on a spur of the moment so I exited the house in very typical androgynous mode, with two exceptions – no compression shirt under my t-shirt and I didn’t tie my hair back into a pony tail. So my budding breasts would be visible at certain angles depending how the t-shirt fell against my chest and my hair from the rear had a definite feminine take on it. As usual I wore a cap because the hair loss on top annoys me to no end when out in public.

We arrived at Dairy Queen and there was a family of four inside. The two kids, both teens, didn’t bat an eye at me but the mother looked at me sort of oddly once that I noticed. Then I caught the father glancing at me repeatedly as if trying to figure out exactly what he was looking at.

Then another man and his son entered. Again the teen boy glanced at me and didn’t appear to take further notice but the man stood there repeatedly looking at me and not just at my face. When I noticed this, I turned and smiled nicely at him and he looked away. I then wandered over to the frozen treats display and looked into the glass to see him watching me yet again. I turned then, looked at my spouse, accepted my treat from the guy behind the counter as he finished making it, and then smiled at the guy one more time. He scowled at me, apparently unsure and threatened by my clearly ambiguous sexuality.

At that point my spouse and I both laughed and proceeded to leave. She had seen what had happened and was halfway amused.

Note to those wondering – yes we are still going to divorce. We remain friends. She’s just a heterosexual woman and doesn’t want to be married to another woman. That’s her choice, after all and I respect that. But we still do things together while she’s going back to school to refresh her skills before re-entering the workplace.

Things are rarely what we think they are

Aug18

Yesterday, I met someone I met via an online transgender forum. She knew I lived in this city and was here on business so she asked if we might meet. We did and ended up chatting for four hours when we planned on two.

In person she’s rather different than she presents herself online. I was pleased. We have a lot more in common than I originally thought and we hit it off rather well. Our discussions were far ranging, at least in the trans universe, from her extensive experiences (she transitioned over a decade ago) to my experiences thus far (I’m a fledgling newbie at this by comparison!), to trans politics, to health care in general, to our children, to rejection and then acceptance, often from the people who rejected us first.

Her experiences give me some hope that my own children may mellow and begin to accept me as I move further into my transition and they realize that they can either include me or exclude me but not sit on the fence.

In other matters, I read one of the more beautiful blog entries I’ve read in a while at Transgenderless titled “B is for (a New) Beginning“. (NOTE: As of 2015, this blog appears to be gone, sadly.) This made me smile, to read about another transwoman who is beginning to blossom into her womanhood.

In my own transition, I keep plodding alone, slowly but surely, like a turtle. But I expect things to pick up significantly over the next 16 months. As always, everything is subject to finances and being able to pay for things up front, so I can only go as fast as I can save.

Still, I am now optimistic about a couple things coming up soon, one of which is beginning electrolysis with E3000. I did get an appointment, in December rather than January, so that’s really good.

And I have to make a decision. I’ve been invited to be a maid of honor at a friend’s wedding in the spring of 2014. I want to go and I’m afraid of going, strange as that may sound. My biggest fear is becoming a spectacle at my friend’s wedding and detracting from that day for her and her fiance. But I’d love to go, and to be her maid of honor.

So I’ll spend some more time fretting, fussing, and wondering but within another month or so I need to decide. Arrangements need to be made.

Bradley Manning’s Gender Dysphoria is a Distraction

Aug1

The Bradley Manning case is complicated. His gender dysphoria is almost a sideshow used to help paint him as “other” and therefore worthy of torture and excessive punishment. I was going to write about this in more depth at a TG forum where I post but it’s not really appropriate for there so I’ll discuss what I know here.

First, what actually happened? A crime was committed by others (which involved murder and still has not even been prosecuted let alone punished). Bradley Manning attempted to report said crime to his chain of command. His chain of command actively tried to cover up that crime. And finally, UCMJ Article 78 states:

“Any person subject to this chapter who, knowing that an offense punishable by this chapter has been committed, receives, comforts, or assists the offender in order to hinder or prevent his apprehension, trial, or punishment shall be punished as a court-martial may direct.”

So Manning tried to report it as required by the military code of justice, saw further crimes in the coverup, and therefore went public with the information since he felt he had no other recourse. None of these facts are disputed by the Marine Corps. Other military vets who have watched the video have the same conclusion – the first group of people killed? That’s war. The attack on the van of civilians who were trying to move a wounded person to treatment? That’s a war crime by definition under Article 12 of the Geneva Convention:

“…Members of the armed forces and other persons (…) who are wounded or sick, shall be respected and protected in all circumstances. They shall be treated humanely and cared for by the Party to the conflict…Any attempts upon their lives, or violence to their persons, shall be strictly prohibited; in particular, they shall not be murdered or exterminated…”.

I highlighted the relevant part.

None of this is disputed by the Marine Corps or the prosecution. Now, having established that Manning tried to report a war crime and was rebuffed for it and that he was dragged into the coverup, he legally had one of two choices – report it by other means (since the chain of command had demonstrated it was corrupt) or become an accessory after the fact and subject to punishment if this incident came to light via other means.

After all of this is when Manning then began also releasing other information via Wikileaks about other potential war crimes.

John Stuart Mill once said: “‎Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.” Bradley Manning tried to do something and for that he will go to jail for up to 130 years. While he may deserve some punishment for what he did, I cannot see how anyone can claim that he deserves 130 years in prison while the murderers and officers who covered up these murders get promotions and continue with their careers and that Manning was effectively tortured, again in violation of the UCMJ as well as the international Convention on Torture while no action is taken against those who tortured him.

Finally, he has already been held in excessively punitive circumstances for 3 years already. In my opinion, his sentence needs to be commuted to time already served.

When I review these facts, I can only conclude that Bradley Manning’s gender dysphoria is raised by the prosecution as a means to make the public less sympathetic to him and therefore deserving of the actual torture he received. And that says a lot about how our society still views trans folk despite progress made thus far.

As a community, we can’t go back

Jul20

Recently, a transgender child in Maryland was profiled in a few news stories, showing the positive aspects of affirming a child’s gender identity. And shortly after these stories appeared,  a hate group (the American Family Association) began publicly urging that Tyler’s parents be prosecuted for “child abuse” by allowing their child to confirm his gender identity.

Generally, people are accepting but the small yet loud groups like AFA cause problems for those parents who are simply trying to allow their child to figure themselves out. Yet there are some people who, as trans themselves, believe that we don’t need to be publicly visible or politically active. Yet these small minorities have successfully, for years, denied equal human rights to gays, lesbians, and bisexuals as well. And now that we’re more publicly visible, we have become the latest bogeyman of the radical right.

Further, that genie can’t be put back into the bottle. The old way of doing things, sliding under the radar, whether we think it was better or worse, does not matter any more. We can’t go back. More and more health professionals are dealing with more and more transgender individuals who are not choosing to live lives of depression, fear, and mental anguish. And this means that more and more of us will be visible. So the argument that people should have done this or that or gotten this step done before that step (none of which is consistent with advice from medical professionals) is simply an attempt to walk backwards to a time when trans folk were just less visible. And that is not going to succeed. We’ve been noticed by the haters.

We now have two choices – allow them to strip us of rights, to prosecute us for daring to be ourselves, or we fight back. If your position is one that says we should not fight back, legally, politically, and socially, then your position has become one of passively allowing them to try to strip us of our rights, and you are exhibiting signs of internalized transphobia. You’re afraid of who you are, of being seen for who you are, and so you side with those who would dehumanize you.

I’ve met trans folk who identify as right wing Republicans. They mouth and say the same things as these “social conservatives” about everything, including GLB people, except themselves. Somehow, they’ve convinced themselves that they are different, special, and won’t be targeted, dehumanized, and attacked by the radical right. Yet the evidence is right there, in all its public glory, that the radical right is now very aware of those of us who are trans. They’re not going to stop. They’re not going to give up. They are going to keep pushing now until we win these legal battles clearly and authoritatively.

Some trans folks can pine for the “good ole days” when we were mostly not noticed. But we cannot go back. It’s not going to happen. So choose and choose wisely. Either fight for the rights of all trans people, including yourself or be prepared to see yourself ultimately outlawed and criminalized. Because, as the evidence above demonstrates, that is exactly what these people want to do to us.

Go, go, Spiro!

Jun25

Late yesterday afternoon I got some excellent news. Through the first nine months of my HRT, my endocrinologist and I have struggled with getting my T-levels down into the proper ranges. They are still not there yet but wow, in two months I dropped from 253 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL) to 74 ng/dL. I have always had low testosterone just barely above “normal” in the 250-350 range. Optimal is considered something like 400-600 and even 1200 is still considered within “normal” for males.

For females, I’ve seen the “normal” testosterone range (yes, females have testosterone) quoted as 15-70 ng/dL up to 30-95 ng/dL. So I am either right at the edge of normal or within normal female T-level ranges now.

That coupled with the last two months seeing more reaction from HRT than the prior 7 months and… I’m excited, really excited finally. I am actually beginning to see change. I just hope it keeps coming and doesn’t stop!

Every trans person who chooses to transition walks a unique road. They all bear similarities but none are the same. For me, I almost feel like HRT began 2 months ago when we finally started getting a handle on the T-levels. Oh there was some change before that but minimal and then it didn’t advance after the first few months.

I just hope that my ship has finally begun to set sail.