Archives

Sixth E3000 Session

Sep15

I underwent my sixth session at E3000 on September 12th. The before photo is a bit blurry but does show continued decreases in overall facial hair with remaining high density areas continuing to be the lower chin and neck.

I will note that the results seem different this time. In the past there tended to be more hairs broken off that had to push their way out afterwards and I would often pluck those. They never hurt because they were already dead. But now, three days after, there are still zero hairs to pluck, I suspect that HRT is continuing to change facial structure including thinning the skin in a more feminine manner, perhaps making yanking the hairs after being zapped easier. I will also note that the cheeks are almost completely cleared now and the upper lip gets completely cleared in less than 30 minutes.

My electrologist seems to be confident that we’re headed the right direction.

session-6-before

In other news, I have my appointment with my lawyer tomorrow (9/16) to begin the formal legal name and gender change process. If I can obtain all the relevant letters from doctors and such in time, she can include me in the September 29th session she is going to do. I’m looking forward to getting this step done. 🙂

Thoughts in Mid-August

Aug13

Today’s entry is a little more mundane. On Monday, August 11th, I came out at work to my co-workers. HR and my boss have been with me for this ride for a few months now as things have slowly moved forward. With that milestone now achieved, the next step is to see a lawyer and get the legal name and gender change done via the courts. I’ve waited this long for various reasons but now the reasons to wait are gone and over. All that remains is saving up the fees necessary for court and the lawyer and off we go, hopefully in late September or early October. Once that is done, update driver’s license, social security, then update work records at which point I will be allowed to present female full time at work.

Of course it won’t end there. There will be bank accounts, credit cards, bills, and other accounts that all need changed. I half wonder how people will take it when I change my name and gender on LinkedIn. There are a lot of former co-workers who I’ve not informed who are connected to me on LinkedIn these days. And then there’s the old Facebook account. Do I close it entirely? Keep it to keep an eye open towards old school friends from years ago when I was younger? I’ve only come out to a handful of those with whom I grew up, aside from my siblings. I’ll probably let that account sit quietly but I reserve the right to change my mind.

Progesterone continues to apparently work its magic slowly. I doubt I’ll ever have a big bust line but I’m very much filling an A cup now. I’d be really happy with a B cup and ecstatic with a C but I don’t think C is a reasonable expectation. After being lazy most of the summer, I’ve begun a dedicated walking program on the treadmill in the evenings. My goal is to get back to 170 (I was 173 recently) then begin losing weight down to about 155. If I can lose 1-2 pounds per month I can be there by next summer. I just need to keep working out. Once I’ve been walking again for a few weeks, I’ll begin adding some P-90 workouts to my regimen as well.

After the legal work comes looking for the stem cell treatment for my scalp to help further with hair regrowth, then all my savings will be either towards finishing facial hair removal or towards GRS. It now looks very unlikely that I will be able to get this done via insurance so now Thailand becomes a very attractive alternative destination.

I sort of have a dream and I don’t know if I can achieve it, but that dream is a B cup or C cup, lose enough waist to get down to about 28 inches there, enough of my own hair back that I don’t need to wear a wig (though I’d still likely do so in certain situations), after GRS to find the perfect grape colored one piece swimsuit. I’ve often dreamed of walking up to people I used to know on a beach somewhere and just saying hi, then watching the confusion. I’ve had even more wicked thoughts that amuse me to no end but I won’t post them here. My closest friends know about them.

I was recently asked a question, when did I know I couldn’t go back to “him”? Honestly, it was when I told my spouse, I knew where I was going. I had already looked over the precipice and almost ended it all before and I didn’t want to go back down that road. I knew where that road ended. But if I had ever had second thoughts, those second thoughts were destroyed forever by those who once said they loved me. When they were done, there was no “him” to return to, as they had turned their backs on me, spoke about me behind my back, and taken my grandchildren from me as well. You might say that their hatred, bigotry, and cruelty sealed the deal, nailed the door shut, and built a brick wall to hide the door. My happiness is with other people now. My happiness is forward.

As for everyone else, it’s been reassuring to experience so many supportive people in my life – friends, siblings, co-workers. That one disappointment remains my own children, and wondering what I did that they turned out like this.

Odds and Ends in the Lazy Days of Summer

Jul25

After this last facial hair removal session, I’m enjoying an extended period of absolutely no facial hair at all. I know the neck and jawline will come back pretty strong again but given where we were on the upper and lower lip and center of the chin, as well as the cheeks, things may be pretty darned sparse from here on out. And for the moment, I’m enjoying it.

I am also noticing how rapidly skin with no facial hair returns to coloring similar to the rest of the face. At the same time there are texture differences from years of facial hair and shaving, so I can see why some transwomen opt to have full facial peels once the facial hair is gone. I’ll definitely want to give it time to heal afterwards but what I’m seeing is even more reason to consider a full facial peel eventually.

Today was interesting for another reason as well. My endocrinologist started me on progesterone. Progesterone should help further the breast development as well as put a little more rear end on me. At least that is the theory. But another side effect of progesterone is increases in hair growth. Since I’m trying to grow mine back, or as much as I can, this is rather welcome. I hope that it helps the process along. Well, both processes! 🙂

That brings me to another item. After coordinating with HR and my boss, I will be officially coming out to my teammates on August 11th. We’ve reviewed and edited my coming out statement. The meeting will be short and I’ll read that then offer to take any questions after the meeting is “officially over”. HR said we must do it that way so that if anyone wants to leave, they can. However, I honestly expect everyone to stay and ask a few questions. But we’ll see. Regardless, it will soon be done and then all that’s left between me and fulltime is the legal paperwork in September or October.

And the last item for this entry. I was saddened to hear of another transwoman who took her life recently. But what angered me were her family, who in their total rejection of her drove her towards that suicide. That same family today took over her Facebook page, changed her name back to her male name, and said the services would be in “his” honor. Even in death, they desecrate someone. That is how sick, twisted, and evil those who hate us actually are.

Gender is not strictly a social construct

Jul10

I just had cause to have to type this yet again for someone else, so I thought I’d place this answer here, where it can be easily referenced and seen. I’ve used the image in this reference before but it’s good to have the full reference too.

Gender is not solely a social construct. It is, in fact, partly biological. If I can show you just one image that demonstrates this (and there are dozens of scientific studies about this now), will you believe me?

This link contains pictures of actual brain scan results done during autopsies. Please note the image partway down the page. That image is a stained cross sectional slice of the central section of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis in the hypothalamus (BSTc) in the brain.

Please note that the upper left image is the BSTc of a heterosexual adult male. Then lower left image is the BSTc of a homosexual adult male. They are almost identical, aren’t they?

The upper right image is the BSTc of an adult heterosexual female. It is very different from that of the males, isn’t it? And the lower right image is the BSTc of a male-to-female transsexual. Her BSTc is very similar to the adult heterosexual female BSTc. It is also nothing like the male BSTc, is it?

This is just one of nearly a dozen different physical brain differences between transsexual individuals and the rest of the population. I, we as transsexual women, literally have a female brain inside a male body.

Most people do not realize that there is this duality inside them. They don’t realize it because their brain and their bodies match. So to them it seems like one uniform whole.

But to those of us born this way, it is a constant clawing pain inside. It’s horror as your body becomes something that your brain isn’t intended to work with.

And we don’t know how to fix the brain. These brain structures form and set between the 8th and 16th week of pregnancy. Once set, they can never be changed. No amount of testosterone will change my brain into male. In fact, more testosterone usually makes us more depressed.

So no, gender is not solely a social construct. That is a myth promulgated by Dr. Money and Dr. McHugh (who recently wrote a pile of crap in the Wall Street Journal) back in the 1960s at Johns Hopkins. And their assumptions have all been disproved. Gender really does have a partial biological component and when that component is mismatched to person’s body, significant psychological trauma can occur. This is why we take hormones and undergo surgery – to align our body with our brains, because we have no idea how to do the reverse.

For more information on how hormonal levels in the womb impact individuals, please review this 2011 AMA Webcast. It is about an hour long but contains important medical information that relates to how transsexual brains come to be the way they are.

http://media01.commpartners.com/AMA/sexual_identity_jan_2011/index.html

A Short Update For June

Jun20

Another month gone and I’ve been so busy!

The end of May saw the fourth facial hair removal session. This one has produced some visible differences. I suspect the next session, in mid-July, will produce even more noticeable differences.

I’ve been out with my daughter a few more times and had a good time each time. We went out on a Friday and had a great evening together, and then on Sunday, just two women out to brunch, even though it was Father’s Day and that was my daughter’s real reason for taking me out. She made me happy. We’re maybe going shopping together tomorrow, though she’s not felt as well lately so that may get postponed. I am planning to attend the Houston Pride parade on June 28th also so there’s lots going on for me.

I could comment about my sons, but there’s nothing to comment there. There never is. No cards, no letters, no emails, no phone calls, no text messages.. nothing. I’d forgive them what they’ve done but I don’t think they want that. Unfortunately, they closed that door, and only they can re-open it. And I will state that the recent circular logic rationalizations that were relayed to me about their behavior is unfortunate. Apparently they believe they can treat me as badly as they wish but if I ever say a single word about their behavior, it becomes their rationalization to never speak to me again. Talk about backwards!

On the work front things continue to move forward. We’re aiming at a coming out meeting in July or perhaps August. I have a meeting with HR and the new HR rep for our building on the 30th so I am looking forward to that, and to continued coordination about this. My finances still look on track to be able to afford the name and gender marker change actions in September or October. I am going to shoot for September, but we’ll see how that works out.

There’s been continued HRT goodness and I’m pleased overall on that front.

I realize this is just a short update, catching up, but I seem to be in a groove now, as things continue to move forward. I wish they could move faster but reality and finances are my key throttles right now and I have to deal with those as things allow. I have decided that after the legal paperwork is done, I’ll take a $3500 short detour and get the Matristem ACell + PRP scalp treatment to try to stimulate  more hair growth. And after that, all my savings will be towards GRS, which I am now strongly considering doing in Thailand, given the costs and that my insurance refuses to cover it.