Tag Archive | Transition

So much done, so much to do

Jul28

I look back over the last 15 months and realize how much I’ve accomplished internally, as myself in coming to grips with myself. The externals haven’t changed as quickly as I’d like but I’m coming more and more to grips with who I am and where this road is leading. And I’m happy despite being shunned by some of the people I loved most in this life. I’m sad at the same time but I know that I have to be true to myself, that I can no longer go on living the lie they expected me to live, solely for their sakes. And that if me being honest and authentic drives them away, I will mourn that loss but not let it deter me from finding myself.

There are days I look in the mirror and smile at what I am beginning to see. There are days I look in the mirror and despair. The thing that gets me most often still is the facial hair. I can’t do much about the male pattern baldness other than see how much grows back under HRT but the facial hair I can address and now it’s a waiting game. I want to have the funds for two consecutive trips to E3000 in Dallas saved before I start with them because then I can save at a rate that will keep that process moving forward regardless of other events. And I’m almost there. I need to start thinking about scheduling a first visit with them.

I also keep delaying doing my eyebrows or getting my ears pierced. I’m not exactly sure why. I know I am procrastinating on those things. It’s probably fear or public rejection and I need to work through that.

I can pull on a wig and I like everything I see, except those eyebrows and the facial beard shadow. I really think that addressing those will make me feel a lot better about myself pretty quickly so from here it’s a matter of resolving to do what I need to do.

And as an addendum to my prior post, about how we as a community can’t “go back”, I would add the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

“We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.”

I aim to treat everyone around me as kindly as I can. But I will not stand idly by while someone tries to suppress me or those like me. When I see trans youth thrown onto the streets by their parents and hear their stories of being unable to find housing or work and being forced to choose the world of drugs and the sex trade, my heart breaks for them. And anyone who says they deserve that fate is someone I’d rather not know anyway.

A Realization

Jul5

My spouse has been out of town for several weeks visiting family elsewhere. And during this time I came to a startling realization – I am as alone today as I am when she has been here anytime over the last few decades. To be honest, that loneliness has been my own fault, due to the wall I erected around me to keep me safe from the world. It has only been in the process of beginning my transition that the wall has begun to come down. I won’t kid myself and claim it’s all the way down nor do I expect it to ever be all the way down. But now, unlike before, I am actually letting some people see inside that wall for more than just a tiny glimpse.

Realizing that I’ve hidden behind this wall all these years makes me also realize that I’ve not truly lived life but instead existed day to day. I need to reach out more, exist less, and live more. Learning to do that will undoubtedly come in fits and starts. This is one of the things that I suspect older trans folk discover – learning how to not hide from ourselves. It also makes me wonder what a relationship would be like if I could be truly open and honest with someone. At my age, I don’t expect to be fortunate enough to find out but I’ll never say never.

I am also finding that my outlook is slowly changing, from one of a “glass half empty” to a “glass half full” perspective. Part of this is, I believe, the effects of estrogen on the brain and finally getting the right “fuel” rather than the wrong fuel. The random rage episodes seem gone. I worry less. And I am thankful for more small things than I ever remember being.

This makes me miss my mother even more. Was it just last December that she was taken away from us? I regret never being able to come out to her. I really believe that she would have understood and been accepting, after getting over the initial shock.

All of this makes me wonder how much more my perspectives will change as time passes and I become more and more at peace with myself finally. I hope the last 30 or so years of my life are more than the prior 30 years of mere existence.

Go, go, Spiro!

Jun25

Late yesterday afternoon I got some excellent news. Through the first nine months of my HRT, my endocrinologist and I have struggled with getting my T-levels down into the proper ranges. They are still not there yet but wow, in two months I dropped from 253 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL) to 74 ng/dL. I have always had low testosterone just barely above “normal” in the 250-350 range. Optimal is considered something like 400-600 and even 1200 is still considered within “normal” for males.

For females, I’ve seen the “normal” testosterone range (yes, females have testosterone) quoted as 15-70 ng/dL up to 30-95 ng/dL. So I am either right at the edge of normal or within normal female T-level ranges now.

That coupled with the last two months seeing more reaction from HRT than the prior 7 months and… I’m excited, really excited finally. I am actually beginning to see change. I just hope it keeps coming and doesn’t stop!

Every trans person who chooses to transition walks a unique road. They all bear similarities but none are the same. For me, I almost feel like HRT began 2 months ago when we finally started getting a handle on the T-levels. Oh there was some change before that but minimal and then it didn’t advance after the first few months.

I just hope that my ship has finally begun to set sail.

Odds, Ends, and the Summer Solstice

Jun22

I’m not particularly religious one way or another but going back to my youth I’ve had an affinity for Pagans and Paganism, at least as it is practiced today. I think part of this was my ease of relating to a loving Goddess figure rather than a vengeful God. Believe me, growing up in coal mine and steel mill country made me more than aware of the vengeful God aspect of things and that how I saw myself was considered an “abomination” by others. You learn to hide, suppress, loathe, and hate yourself under those circumstances, and it can take a long time to come to grips with all that.

And while I can wish that I’d come to grips with this far earlier in life, reality is what it is and I have to make due with what I have in the here and now. Thankfully, the spiro seems to be continuing to work but now I’m awaiting the results of my latest blood test to see where I stand on my T-levels. I suspect they are down but not down far enough. I’ll have to ask my endocrinologist what the next step is going to be.

I missed a date last night with a friend and an acquaintance I’d made online. She was in the city for another reason but only staying a day. I wanted to go but between work running late and her being 45 miles away on the opposite side of the city, by the time I got free, it was too late. I sent a text message asking forgiveness from both of them with a message that I hope to meet her the next time she is in the city.

The thing that is bugging me the absolute most right now is beard shadow. I hate it, I despise it, but I’m still a few months away from having the cash to make an appointment at  E3000. I am so looking forward to going there. They have an awesome reputation and can move you through the painful process of facial hair removal far faster than other means.

I recently encountered transwomen who think that being trans is no more dangerous than being a white woman in suburbia. I’ve seen statistics that do not support that claim and I’ve met many transwomen who have experienced violence directed against them purely because they are trans. And that doesn’t even count the outright discrimination just for being trans, something that some of us cannot easily hide.

I am working on a diet with a goal of 10-15 pounds off by summer’s end. It will require work but I know I can do it. Wish me luck!

An Inkling of Progress

May21

The spiro seems to be working. I say seems because it’s only been a few weeks but I think I am noticing some effects. Well, let’s say I am definitely noticing some effects! First off, there is a definite change in hair density upstairs where I have hair, which is good. Second, I’m getting some regrowth around the edges of the bald spot in back, which is also good. Third, the estrogen seems to finally be starting to overwhelm the testosterone and what has been tender slight breast bumps for months seem to be starting to firm up and grow a bit.

I also noticed that almost 8 months on HRT has taken a bigger toll on my upper body strength than I expected. I had to do some repair work on two gates on our fences and that was much more of a struggle than I anticipated. I was also experiencing some lightheadedness, which I was told to expect from my endocrinologist now that I’ve started the spiro.

It’s time to start running indoors again on the treadmill. It’s getting hot outside down here in the south, and humid as well. So much so that wearing a compression shirt and a t-shirt isn’t exactly wise but without the compression shirt I’ve got visible nipples that get stares. I’m amused but no sense upsetting the suburban neighbors.

I am still waiting for a response from my spouse about staying together or not for the next few years. We’ll see but I am going to ask her soon. This cannot hang out there forever undecided.