Tag Archive | Coming out

A Belated Birthday Dinner

Sep17

My daughter took me to dinner Monday night as a slightly belated birthday celebration. We chatted for a good two hours enjoying good food at Cheesecake Factory then taking our cheesecake desserts home. Discussions ranged from how bra manufacturers seem to each have their own way to measure sizes to how her kids are doing in school.

I discussed an unexpected email I got from someone, an email I never expected to get yet did. I won’t say more here since I know a certain someone stalks my blog and I’d rather she and her husband not know what this is. But I’ll mention that it pleased me to no end. Perhaps that little tweak of the nose will aggravate her further. And my daughter concurred that such an email was a very good thing.

I also saw my lawyer on Tuesday. Things are going to move faster than I expected but this is rewarding to have happen this way. The last legal vestiges of “him” are about to vanish forever in a few weeks time. During the small talk early in the consultation, my lawyer asked me if I had any children. I replied yes, all adults, and gave their ages. She stared at me and then asked in an incredulous voice, “How old are you?” I replied with my age and she shook her head, saying she thought I was almost 20 years younger. I thanked her, and just smiled.

I also have a photo, taken by my daughter, the night she took me out. I got a surprising number of nice comments about that photo, something that I’m still trying to wrap my brain around. This relates to something I don’t think I’ve covered in this blog. Not too many sessions ago, with my therapist, I was put on the hotseat by a random question from her – what are you going to do when guys start hitting on you? I guess it was a deer-in-the-headlights moment because she laughed and further asked, “You don’t realize how attractive you are, do you?” More frozen non-response… More laughter from her and “I see we have something new to discuss.” She’s aware that I am absolutely uninterested in any sort of relationship until after GCS but as she pointed out, people won’t know that just by looking so I’ll have to come up with some other way of waving off the charging bulls until that day comes that I am ready to consider it.

 

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Thoughts in Mid-August

Aug13

Today’s entry is a little more mundane. On Monday, August 11th, I came out at work to my co-workers. HR and my boss have been with me for this ride for a few months now as things have slowly moved forward. With that milestone now achieved, the next step is to see a lawyer and get the legal name and gender change done via the courts. I’ve waited this long for various reasons but now the reasons to wait are gone and over. All that remains is saving up the fees necessary for court and the lawyer and off we go, hopefully in late September or early October. Once that is done, update driver’s license, social security, then update work records at which point I will be allowed to present female full time at work.

Of course it won’t end there. There will be bank accounts, credit cards, bills, and other accounts that all need changed. I half wonder how people will take it when I change my name and gender on LinkedIn. There are a lot of former co-workers who I’ve not informed who are connected to me on LinkedIn these days. And then there’s the old Facebook account. Do I close it entirely? Keep it to keep an eye open towards old school friends from years ago when I was younger? I’ve only come out to a handful of those with whom I grew up, aside from my siblings. I’ll probably let that account sit quietly but I reserve the right to change my mind.

Progesterone continues to apparently work its magic slowly. I doubt I’ll ever have a big bust line but I’m very much filling an A cup now. I’d be really happy with a B cup and ecstatic with a C but I don’t think C is a reasonable expectation. After being lazy most of the summer, I’ve begun a dedicated walking program on the treadmill in the evenings. My goal is to get back to 170 (I was 173 recently) then begin losing weight down to about 155. If I can lose 1-2 pounds per month I can be there by next summer. I just need to keep working out. Once I’ve been walking again for a few weeks, I’ll begin adding some P-90 workouts to my regimen as well.

After the legal work comes looking for the stem cell treatment for my scalp to help further with hair regrowth, then all my savings will be either towards finishing facial hair removal or towards GRS. It now looks very unlikely that I will be able to get this done via insurance so now Thailand becomes a very attractive alternative destination.

I sort of have a dream and I don’t know if I can achieve it, but that dream is a B cup or C cup, lose enough waist to get down to about 28 inches there, enough of my own hair back that I don’t need to wear a wig (though I’d still likely do so in certain situations), after GRS to find the perfect grape colored one piece swimsuit. I’ve often dreamed of walking up to people I used to know on a beach somewhere and just saying hi, then watching the confusion. I’ve had even more wicked thoughts that amuse me to no end but I won’t post them here. My closest friends know about them.

I was recently asked a question, when did I know I couldn’t go back to “him”? Honestly, it was when I told my spouse, I knew where I was going. I had already looked over the precipice and almost ended it all before and I didn’t want to go back down that road. I knew where that road ended. But if I had ever had second thoughts, those second thoughts were destroyed forever by those who once said they loved me. When they were done, there was no “him” to return to, as they had turned their backs on me, spoke about me behind my back, and taken my grandchildren from me as well. You might say that their hatred, bigotry, and cruelty sealed the deal, nailed the door shut, and built a brick wall to hide the door. My happiness is with other people now. My happiness is forward.

As for everyone else, it’s been reassuring to experience so many supportive people in my life – friends, siblings, co-workers. That one disappointment remains my own children, and wondering what I did that they turned out like this.

Odds and Ends in the Lazy Days of Summer

Jul25

After this last facial hair removal session, I’m enjoying an extended period of absolutely no facial hair at all. I know the neck and jawline will come back pretty strong again but given where we were on the upper and lower lip and center of the chin, as well as the cheeks, things may be pretty darned sparse from here on out. And for the moment, I’m enjoying it.

I am also noticing how rapidly skin with no facial hair returns to coloring similar to the rest of the face. At the same time there are texture differences from years of facial hair and shaving, so I can see why some transwomen opt to have full facial peels once the facial hair is gone. I’ll definitely want to give it time to heal afterwards but what I’m seeing is even more reason to consider a full facial peel eventually.

Today was interesting for another reason as well. My endocrinologist started me on progesterone. Progesterone should help further the breast development as well as put a little more rear end on me. At least that is the theory. But another side effect of progesterone is increases in hair growth. Since I’m trying to grow mine back, or as much as I can, this is rather welcome. I hope that it helps the process along. Well, both processes! 🙂

That brings me to another item. After coordinating with HR and my boss, I will be officially coming out to my teammates on August 11th. We’ve reviewed and edited my coming out statement. The meeting will be short and I’ll read that then offer to take any questions after the meeting is “officially over”. HR said we must do it that way so that if anyone wants to leave, they can. However, I honestly expect everyone to stay and ask a few questions. But we’ll see. Regardless, it will soon be done and then all that’s left between me and fulltime is the legal paperwork in September or October.

And the last item for this entry. I was saddened to hear of another transwoman who took her life recently. But what angered me were her family, who in their total rejection of her drove her towards that suicide. That same family today took over her Facebook page, changed her name back to her male name, and said the services would be in “his” honor. Even in death, they desecrate someone. That is how sick, twisted, and evil those who hate us actually are.

The HR followup

Mar25

I really didn’t learn much in my HR meeting on Monday, the 24th. The benefits coordinator was out and unable to give me an answer to questions about trans surgeries and health care. We did cover my tentative legal transition schedule and that I was planning to go full time at work after that, so in the second half of this year.

It sounds like the surgery situation is somewhat ambiguous. I did point out that I would have letters of medical necessity when that time came, and that she should mention it to the CIGNA rep.

I also have permission to come out to my team mates. I need to coordinate that with my boss.

An amazing week in Memphis

Mar25

From March 15th to March 23rd, I was in Memphis, Tennessee, visiting two wonderful, supportive and close friends, and in turn making nearly a dozen more friends. It was a 10 hour drive from Texas but quite doable and as a side note, that old Z-28 that I drive managed to get 24, 26, 25, and 27 mpg on the four tanks of gas to and from Memphis. Of course, that car loves to cruise at about 75-80 mph, so letting it flex its muscles was the perfect opportunity for it to stretch out and run, like a thoroughbred horse.

I arrived in Memphis late Saturday evening, gave friends a couple text messages, then got unpacked for the evening. Now to put things in perspective, back home in Texas, I’ve been living a more and more female/androgynous mode but hadn’t gone all out yet and wasn’t presenting fully female full time. Memphis was going to be a week where I didn’t have to soothe anyone else’s discomforts and could just be myself.

Sunday came and we went thrift shop hopping for several hours. I picked up several new items, all of which I loved and we did dinner together and spent time chatting. Monday was more shopping and more clothes to take home. Tuesday was various activities with friends as well as a visit to one friend’s Pagan temple. The wonderful woman there who was the priestess did a tarot card reading for me that seemed, to me, to be very positive about the future, and especially about the question I asked (which she did not know until after, when I told her). That question was rather simple – will I always be alone? And her answer suggested no, I would not. I hit it off well with her and we’re going to keep in touch via Facebook.

Wednesday was a rest day, in which we got together a bit in the evening but mostly we took the day off to catch up. We’re not that young anymore! Thursday was the zoo, with lots of walking, seeing exhibits, admiring the expansion of the zoo, which the friend from Memphis was more than willing to explain to us. The Memphis Zoo has come a long ways, with many larger open enclosures versus the small cages of years ago. That evening we did barbeque and Central BBQ and then I chose to retire, being rather worn out from the long day. Several others went to another friend’s house and played board games. I wish I’d felt up to doing so but it didn’t work out that way with me falling asleep a bit after I got back to the hotel.

Friday was more running around getting eyebrows waxes, manicures, and then followed by a ceremony at the temple specifically for me. I was taken into the women’s circle, embraced as one of them, and really felt some overwhelming care and love from those there. I cried a lot, which I fully expected, hence avoided eye makeup that evening, else I’d have been a racoony mess!

On Saturday, my friend from Wisconsin had to depart with her family. We all had lunch together, chatted a bit, exchanged hugs, wished each other well, exchanged hugs again, and then they were off on the first leg of their drive home. On Saturday evening there was a large gathering at the temple but I skipped that, given my hearing problems when among large numbers of people, and because I needed to pack for the drive home Sunday.

On Sunday, I checked out of the hotel, had lunch with the friend who was local to Memphis, then finally got back on the road. This time I took I-55 south to I-10 west (with a few dog legs along the way). This trip was also about 10 hours overall.

One thing I was not aware of until one of my friends told me was that different men had asked to be sure I was going to be safe going to and from my hotel alone. As she noted, that question isn’t asked for men but it is for women.

It was an amazing week for me, and one which completely reaffirmed my own belief in my transition. I’ve never been that completely comfortable with myself anywhere and I was not misgendered once the entire week there. Below is one of my favorite pictures from the trip.

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