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Odds, Ends, and the Summer Solstice

Jun22

I’m not particularly religious one way or another but going back to my youth I’ve had an affinity for Pagans and Paganism, at least as it is practiced today. I think part of this was my ease of relating to a loving Goddess figure rather than a vengeful God. Believe me, growing up in coal mine and steel mill country made me more than aware of the vengeful God aspect of things and that how I saw myself was considered an “abomination” by others. You learn to hide, suppress, loathe, and hate yourself under those circumstances, and it can take a long time to come to grips with all that.

And while I can wish that I’d come to grips with this far earlier in life, reality is what it is and I have to make due with what I have in the here and now. Thankfully, the spiro seems to be continuing to work but now I’m awaiting the results of my latest blood test to see where I stand on my T-levels. I suspect they are down but not down far enough. I’ll have to ask my endocrinologist what the next step is going to be.

I missed a date last night with a friend and an acquaintance I’d made online. She was in the city for another reason but only staying a day. I wanted to go but between work running late and her being 45 miles away on the opposite side of the city, by the time I got free, it was too late. I sent a text message asking forgiveness from both of them with a message that I hope to meet her the next time she is in the city.

The thing that is bugging me the absolute most right now is beard shadow. I hate it, I despise it, but I’m still a few months away from having the cash to make an appointment at  E3000. I am so looking forward to going there. They have an awesome reputation and can move you through the painful process of facial hair removal far faster than other means.

I recently encountered transwomen who think that being trans is no more dangerous than being a white woman in suburbia. I’ve seen statistics that do not support that claim and I’ve met many transwomen who have experienced violence directed against them purely because they are trans. And that doesn’t even count the outright discrimination just for being trans, something that some of us cannot easily hide.

I am working on a diet with a goal of 10-15 pounds off by summer’s end. It will require work but I know I can do it. Wish me luck!

An Inkling of Progress

May21

The spiro seems to be working. I say seems because it’s only been a few weeks but I think I am noticing some effects. Well, let’s say I am definitely noticing some effects! First off, there is a definite change in hair density upstairs where I have hair, which is good. Second, I’m getting some regrowth around the edges of the bald spot in back, which is also good. Third, the estrogen seems to finally be starting to overwhelm the testosterone and what has been tender slight breast bumps for months seem to be starting to firm up and grow a bit.

I also noticed that almost 8 months on HRT has taken a bigger toll on my upper body strength than I expected. I had to do some repair work on two gates on our fences and that was much more of a struggle than I anticipated. I was also experiencing some lightheadedness, which I was told to expect from my endocrinologist now that I’ve started the spiro.

It’s time to start running indoors again on the treadmill. It’s getting hot outside down here in the south, and humid as well. So much so that wearing a compression shirt and a t-shirt isn’t exactly wise but without the compression shirt I’ve got visible nipples that get stares. I’m amused but no sense upsetting the suburban neighbors.

I am still waiting for a response from my spouse about staying together or not for the next few years. We’ll see but I am going to ask her soon. This cannot hang out there forever undecided.

Two steps forward, one step back

Apr28

I really need to try to post more regularly. It took about 8 weeks to get the blood pressure back under control. During that time my testosterone levels actually rose rather than fell so once the blood pressure was no longer an issue, my endocrinologist started me on a low dose of spironolactone. Spironolactone apparently works by binding where testosterone usually would, leaving excess free testosterone in the bloodstream, at which point the adrenal glands are supposed to tell the testes to slow down production. I’m supposed to have additional blood work in mid to late June to see where we stand at that point.

In the meanwhile, I’ve halted facial electrolysis because hair began growing back in thicker than before. So I’ll wait until testosterone levels are down enough before beginning that again. Also, I plan to try E3000 in Dallas, as I should be able to save enough for the initial visit by then. Hopefully, the spiro puts the testosterone issue to bed and I can move towards large scale facial electrolysis to get rid of the beard and beard shadow.

My spouse and I may also be coming to terms where we can both manage to live together the next few years while she goes back to school. Emphasis on may, however. She’s the one who floated the idea but isn’t sure she can handle it so we’ll see. Financially, it would be better for us living under one roof than two while she’s in school for a number of reasons. And financially it would be better for both of us if she was working and earning a regular salary once we do split so we both end up with more comfortable lifestyles. But again, we shall see.

A February Update

Mar6

I visited my endocrinologist for my 5 month HRT followup at the end of the month. Effects continue to accumulate very slowly, but that’s fine. It gives me time to plan my next steps. My blood pressure is up though so I am working with my primary care provider to get that  back down. My estrogen levels continue to rise but my testosterone levels are staying elevated. Unfortunately we can’t change my regimen until the blood pressure is back under control.

I discovered, quite by accident, that neither Christmas cards nor Valentine’s cards to our grand kids carried my name in any form. Now let’s think about this. I’m told we’ll “remain friends” and I’m paying all the bills. What was the purpose of this pettiness? I will remember these things though. Believe me, I will remember.

I read a wonderful entry today over on the Permission to Live blog by Melissa’s spouse, Haley. For those that don’t know, Haley is a transitioning MTF and Melissa is her significant other. The post is titled Oblivious to Privilege: Part One and makes me think about how our society really works versus how most politicians think it works.

I find myself mourning a little bit every time I have to dress up fully male. It’s beginning to bother me. My electrolysis advances slowly and that’s frustrating as well. I am going to stick to my commitments til my spouse is prepared to resume her life alone but after that I am going to step up my transition efforts so that I can move towards full time living. It may come later than I wanted but I am going to get there.

Two of my cis-female friends are going to a women’s spiritual retreat soon. They wanted me to come and I wanted to go but finances and still living with my S.O. made that impossible. I hope to go next year.

Life moves forward very slowly right now. Everything revolves around other people and I’m the last one considered, as it has been for 35 years of marriage. But that will change soon, one way or another.

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

Nov2

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.