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Still out of the loop

Jul22

A week and a half later and I am still out of the loop. Neither of my boys is really talking to me at all. My wife relays occasional things, such as their desire to meet with my gender therapist and ask questions but they don’t come to me personally.

Other things have happened as well that concern me. One day my wife is talking about saving our marriage and the next she is talking about finding legal mediation about how we will split up “just in case”. I ask her to talk to me and she doesn’t want to discuss these issues without a therapist present, yet she drills me to speak up whenever she thinks I’m holding something back. It’s very confusing.

The one thing I’ve accomplished that was wholly unintended is that the entire rest of my family has returned to church, ostensibly to pray for me despite me telling them that I still feel secure in my personal walk with God.

My wife went to another gathering at my son’s house last night. She saw that I was disturbed about this and quipped “You never played board games with them before so why the glum face?” I was taken aback by this because in the past I would go over there for dinner, to chat, and then possibly leave earlier when people began playing cards or board game. I don’t play those sorts of games because, with my degree of hearing loss, I can never follow what’s going on what with all the shouting and multiple people speaking concurrently. The difference now is that I am totally not welcome. It’s not a matter of going for part or all of the activities or politely declining. It’s a matter of actively being not wanted in a particular space.

And yet there is nothing else that I can do other than give them time, just like I am giving my brother time, as I wrote to him yesterday as well. The issue is getting “out there” but it’s been rough going so far. I am just blessed to have at least a few close friends who are not judgmental. I will hold to that and hope for the best.

Note: As a followup to this, my brother replied, is surprised of course, but completely accepting of me. I needed this today. And he’s confident my other siblings will understand as well. I can’t describe how good that made me feel.

Coming out to adult children

Jul14

The day before yesterday I came out to my adult children. The reactions were ones of shock, to a degree but mixed after that. All of them were initially confused and I tried to answer what questions I could.

My eldest son emphasized that he’d looked up to me all his life and that he’d learned honor and dedication to his spouse from me. He then chastised me for all the pain and embarrassment I was going to cause others. I didn’t retaliate or push back with the pain and shame I’ve lived with my entire life. I doubt he would have heard what I said anyway.

My youngest son listened for a while then exploded in anger at me, calling me the most selfish person he’s ever met and verbally blasting me between invoking God and using expletives to make his point. It wasn’t a pretty or friendly sight and he sat there and seethed afterwards until they all agreed to leave.

My daughter was the most gracious. She emphasized that she still loves me, loves both myself and my spouse as her parents, and expressed her concern for her mother. After the boys left she stayed, hugged me, and we even talked about clothes as I showed off a few of my things to her.

All of this was last night. Today she sent me a text message just to say she loves me. My eldest son came by and took my wife to breakfast. When he returned, he didn’t bother coming in to say hello.

I’m afraid that my youngest son and his spouse are going to cut me off entirely. I fear I may not get to speak to him or her much at all going forward, except when they feel it is necessary. My eldest son I am less certain about but I fear that he too is going to slide away from me and distance himself from me but that remains to be seen.

I also came out via email to a longtime friend. She was both surprised but supportive and happy for me. I’ve known her for many years and though she lives several states away, I’ve always felt that she was someone trustworthy. My instincts were not wrong this time. That brings to two the number of close female friends who I’ve revealed myself to and who have accepted me.