Archives

Acting on Being Unashamed

Dec7

Yesterday was a bit unusual for me. You see, I often have my GT appointments on Thursday afternoons but my electrolysis session is Saturday morning, meaning Wednesday is the last day I can shave. And yesterday was a GT appointment but I didn’t feel like changing into guy clothes. For clarification, I work about 90% from home and at home I dress in about 90% female clothing. Most everything I wear is female except I own a large number of guy’s T-shirts (some of which could be considered women’s T-shirts too but that’s subjective).

So as the time came to leave for my appointment, I decided to just run with it, totally genderqueer, and see what happened. Out the door I went wearing female tennis shoes, jeans, panties (obviously not visible), a probably gender neutral T-shirt, a woman’s cream colored sweater, a black cap that is pretty feminine, and carrying my purse. Now note that I was definitely not passing as female while doing this. I got a few looks on the highway but at those speeds I’m not sure what someone was thinking.

When I arrived at my GT’s office building, I simply got out, locked the car, and walked to the elevator. I got one totally curious look from one man and a few glances from a couple women, but not specific comments. My GT commented positively about what I was wearing and I explained my mindset on that to which she said that she liked how I was handling this. I told her I simply decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid of myself generally, though I still go out of my way to present all male at work (for obvious reasons) on those few days that I do go into the office. We had a good session and on the way out I got looks from a few women on that floor en route to the elevator and then in the elevator, a woman looked at me and simply said, “You look good!” I grinned ear to ear at her comment, thanked her, and we went our separate ways once the elevator reached the first floor. On the way out of the building an older gentleman in a suit saw me and had a definite “what the…” type moment and expression on his face but again, nothing was said. I very specifically looked him right in the eye and smiled. He smiled back weakly and then went on his way.

Getting home this reinforced wise words that I’ve read at Laura’s Playground over and over – most of our fears come from within. Yes, there’s a risk someone might get physically violent but since I’m not entering spaces where that is likely, I think the chances of that are low. Otherwise what’s the worst that can happen? Someone points at you? Turn and look them right in the eye and smile. I’ll bet they either fade into the crowd or change their tune and approach you in a more honest and friendly manner.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are!

Thrift Shop Hopping and the Support of Friends

Nov2

This week two very dear and precious friends came in from out of state for a visit. Along with a couple here locally who have been very supportive of me, they are probably the four people closest to me right now because of their acceptance of me. Wednesday after work, I went to meet them as myself rather than in male mode. This was a first for all four of them. I had talked to them Tuesday evening after they had arrived but they were tired from the long drive and I was in male dress at that time.

At the end of the evening one of the women said, “Do you know how much happier, outgoing, and different you are when  you let yourself be Liz instead of *****?” I was taken aback and asked “Is it that different? That obvious?” And all four resoundingly said interacting with me Wednesday evening was unlike any other time they’ve interacted with me in the past and that I was clearly happier and more at peace. I smiled, thanked them and headed home.

Now incidentally to all this, one of the out of state women is also a huge fan of thrift shops and she brought me 6 pairs of shoes, only one of which did not fit well. And one of those pairs are some really hot knee high boots!!

So the next day, Thursday, I showed up at my friends’ house where they are staying, again as myself, and we chatted a bit, then they said let’s do your makeup! So we did that and while I’m getting better I learned a few immediate lessons and learned that I can do an eyeliner with a dark eye shadow and a brush just as well as with an eyeliner pencil or liquid eyeliner. I also learned a little bit about “color theory” and realize now that I need a more yellow concealer stick for the dark under eye circles. That plus my foundation, covered them better than anything else I’d tried before! Once I was made up they decided we needed to go to lunch so we went to Whataburger since one of the women lives in a state where there are no Whataburgers and she wanted to try it. From there we went thrift shopping.

I came home with two bags of clothes and an entirely new wardrobe for $54. And more importantly, while shopping, the other women in the shop accepted me. I got one funny look from one man but two women who were trying on things in the adjacent dressing rooms had very flattering comments to me as I modeled various clothing items for my friends. We got back to the house around 7pm after a full day of shopping and being out and about and then spent a few more hours just talking together about everything from relatives to the current political races to work. Around 11pm we all broke up and I came home, floating on cloud nine. I’d spent an entire day as myself and largely been accepted.

My voice will remain a problem until I can do voice surgery because of that darned paralyzed vocal cord but I’ll get that changed eventually via surgery. And as HRT and electrolysis progresses, the physical aspects will continue to change in my favor.

My friends took some photos and as soon as I can get copies from them, I’ll see if they are good enough to add here.

The support of loving and accepting friends is an amazing thing, especially when your immediate family is rejecting the real you. Yesterday was a magnificent and important day for me in my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go but I know that I can do this if I keep myself focused. I hope that each of you can find friends who will be there for you, accept you, and love you when you need it.

Thus it begins

Sep25

The last month has been rough but it’s smoothing out. My spouse still occasionally has anger outbursts but she’s slowly adapting to realizing that I am going to do this. And today I began HRT, another milestone on my journey. I don’t feel anything from the hormones (or at least I don’t think I do, yet) but there’s a big psychological relief in starting. One foot is on the road and now I just have to keep putting one foot in front of another.

My spouse also had an anger outburst when we began discussing financial matters. She’s going to have to realize that she’s not going to live in the style she has grown accustomed to over the years. I’m going to support her but I’m not going to impoverish myself on her account. I am going to try to be as fair as I can. I’m not the one who said it’s embarassing to be seen with me. I’m not the one who’s worried about what the neighbors think. She has made her choices and can live with the consequences and I am not going to be guilt tripped into anything.

But the big news today was starting hormones! Yay! Another positive step forward, even if it’s tiny and slow.

Oh, and as a side note, my two sons continue to exclude me from anything family related so I’ve not seen two of my grandchildren in months now. I’ll remember this too.

In sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…

Aug18

It’s still hammering me. I’m trying to accept that my marriage is over. I’m trying to accept that my medical condition is the cause of my marriage being over. Those words that I believed in that vow that I took so many years ago don’t mean what they say. They’re words of convenience, words of excuses, words meant to bind you but not the other.

If I were schizophrenic, I’d be urged to seek help. If I were suffering from a cancer, I’d be urged to seek help. But because I am transsexual, people are appalled when I seek help. People who claim to love me grow angry with me. People who made vows to me decide to leave. Help yourself? Oh the sheer horror! The embarrassment! What will the neighbors think? It’s darkly absurd but real.

It’s hard not to become bitter and jaded when you see this sort of reaction. Its hard not to want to throw things in their faces asking if they really meant those words they said so many years ago. But I swallow my cynicism and remain silent. And I won’t even be given a chance to see if it might work or not.

There’s sadness here. Sadness at what is being lost as well as sadness at the realization that I was never loved for me but was loved for what I did, if I was even loved at all. There’s a harsh, bone-chilling realization buried in there. A realization about the depth or lack thereof of other people, about the pettiness and obsessions of people I trusted. It’s a hard lesson to digest in one sitting.

A Different Space Mentally and Emotionally

Aug8

I’ve come to realize that my bargaining over this was a desperate attempt to preserve my marriage. Intellectually, I’d been preparing myself for that moment but emotionally I was not prepared at all. Worse, in allowing my feminine side out, I was crying more and letting my emotions run harder than they had run in years.My emotional distress overtook me and I allowed myself to consider things that are not healthy for me.

Because, in bargaining, I had immediately laid the groundwork for future resentment, anger, and frustration of me towards her. While I want to stay together with my spouse, I also have to realize that it is wrong of me to expect her to change, that I should not push for it, and that I need to accept her as she is, even if this means we have to go our separate ways.

I am closing that intellectual and emotional gap now and finding myself more at peace emotionally as well as intellectually. I am also realizing that moving on with my life is not the end of the world. It will hurt and it will continue to hurt for quite some time but I need to be able to let her go if that is what is best for both of us. The only reason to stay together is if my spouse would want all of me, the authentic me, as one friend put it. Anything else would be continuing to live a lie.